“Rapunzel! Let down your hair!”
RAPUNZEL: Hey hair, ya wanna go get ice cream?
HAIR: Yeah!
RAPUNZEL: Well too bad. Because we’re not.
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my mom refers to crying as “squirting” and I, oh my god…..can you tell her
My daughter found and ate my hidden chocolate and her reason was she thought they were for everyone.
That
I just replaced the can of air freshener in the office bathroom with an air horn.
And now we wait…
VAMPIRE: Aaaarrgghh…DAYLIGHT!
ME (A REDHEAD): *turning to dust* Way ahead of you buddy.
“Blood, Sugar, Sex, Magik” is a classic Red Hot Chili Peppers album, and also Criss Angel’s shopping list.
“Hello this is your captain speaking. I have fallen out of the plane yikes lol. Very impressed with the range on this Bluetooth headset tho”
How old are you?
I’m “I now empathize with the mom from Mrs. Doubtfire” years old.
Me: [starts singing quietly to myself while doing dishes]
My 5-year-old, who regularly screams for no reason: Stop that
*Eating my third bowl of ice cream*
I really thought this Keto diet would be harder.
When I was in 1st or 2nd grade my teacher once incorrectly marked that I had misspelled the word “weird” on some schoolwork. Rather than looking it up in the dictionary to prove I was right, my parents had me bring in this coffeetable book of pulp magazine covers to show her.
“Oh heyyy youuu. How are YOU doing? How’s your… stuff? I haven’t seen you in… time.”
-I say to the person I don’t remember.
Therapist: ‘Strange. Weird. Odd.’
Me: ‘Am I paying for this?’
My wife told me to get a real job or pack my bags!
What an idiot! Who threatens someone with a vacation???
Hendrix didn’t need to twerk on stage. He performed the old fashioned way, relying only on his musical talents and near lethal doses of LSD.
16: What flavour yogurt is pilot’s favourite?
I don’t know.
16: Plain.
You’re going to be such a great dad.
My 1yo recently learned how to say “Hiiiii!” Except she pronounces it with a “D.” So every morning when I get her up the first thing she says to me in her sweet little voice: “Dieeeeee.”
The cat knocked over my coffee in the home office this morning and I’ve reported her to HR. In other news, HR has hired my cat.
All I’m saying is, if boring people to death was a real thing, I’d be a dangerous man.
Reasons why it’s bad that Justin Bieber is retiring:
1.
2.
3.
4.
5.
I hate it when genies exploit your poor choice of wording to fulfill your wish in a way you don’t actually want, like dude, you know what I meant.
There’s a fire burning in my heart, no wait, it’s acid reflux, carry on.
TWO hops this time?
In this economy?
Thank you Saran Wrap for so many years of not even remotely doing what I want.
Dad: You spent $750 for a college class on human anatomy? Do you think we’re MADE OF MONEY??
Me: Not anymore
Qui-gon: You will give me the parts
Watto: I’m immune to mind tricks
Qui: Are you immune to lightsabers?
Watto: I will give you the parts
Cutest thing I saw was the dad angrily slamming the sliding door of his minivan but it slowed down by itself and latched silently and then it was just kind of sad.
Guys disappear for days then say “wyd” ….no mf what were YOU doing!!
Watching cooking shows makes you realize how much forehead sweat is possibly in your food
Boss: What are you doing here on a Saturday??
Me (eating leftovers from fridge): …reports.
Han: *approaches Endor in a shuttle*
Imperial officer: What’s the password?
Han: It’s “password.”
Vader: We should really change that.