Rare image of an elk stepping on a Lego.
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KID IN THE BACKSEAT: how much longer do we have to drive?
BON JOVI DAD: oh…we’re halfway there…
In hell, your mouth is always freshly brushed & minty, and all they have to drink is orange juice.
I do NOT have a drinking problem. I use a straw so technically it’s a “sipping” problem.
I could tell by the scowl on her face that her patience and botox were wearing thin.
Sometimes I’m really happy I decided to become a parent and other times I’m not calculating my Federal Tax deductions.
I used to worry about offending people’s moms on facebook but now they all post memes like “I chug vodka to keep from drowning my children”
Apparently, lifting your feet so she can reach underneath,
Is NOT considered “helping her vacuum.”
Lesson learned, fellas. Lesson learned.
GOP in 2008: Obama is Hitler!
GOP in 2012: Obama is Hitler!
GOP in 2016: Ok Hitler actually had some cool ideas
Apparently you can’t sell your eggs if you’ve been diagnosed with depression so I guess none of these people want funny kids
Jesus has seen me naked and that’s why he made me funny.
Therapist: let’s try guided imagery to help you relax. I’ll play beach sounds, you close your eyes & picture what I’m describing
Me: ok
T: you see seagulls flying in the distance.
there are so many of them & they are getting closer
uh oh they’ve spotted your Doritos
Me: NO
*walks into hospital carrying baby*
“What’s your return policy on this thing?”
I need to know the brand of toothbrush my neighbor has. I hear it buzzing sometimes an hour at a time and she’s clearly enjoying it
I once watched two guys arguing in sign language.
Either that, or they were both really bad at martial arts.
Where’s my cell?
“Right there.”
That’s not my phone.
“Yes it is. I cleaned it!”
My cell’s white?
Two things Twitter cultivates and encourages:
1. instant gratification
2. sense of impatient entitlement
3. misunderstanding of basic math
Cop: do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: yeah I do but sad news buddy, I’m married
Re: recent conversation about which of your cats is the convicted felon
I use the word “thingy” when I cant think of the word:
Me- Are you picking up the “thingy’s?”
Wife- …you mean your kids?
Me- Dont judge me
Voting was a lot more fun in the days when you got 4 snapshots for a dollar in the booth.
Drugs are great until they fall into the wrong hands. I am referring, of course, to the cops or people who don’t enjoy life.
There’s a seagull standing near the people waiting for the grocery store to open, and I kind of want to see where this goes.
One time I dated a yoga instructor & my buddies said “Man. She must be really flexible!” but I told them “No, she has to work most weekends”
This meal prepping shit easy
my 23 y/o boyfriend: have you heard this band? *turns on the beatles*
SON: Why did mommy leave?
ME: You know how in your fav movie the t-rex fights the velociraptors even though it might die?
SON: Yeah
ME: She said that shit was fake yo
the coronavirus really making people awaken their inner “A guy bought 20 watermelons” from those math problems
Every time I raise my arm a little, a falcon lands on it. It was super-cool at first, but now I’m starting to get annoyed.
Me: okay I have pizza, wings, nacho dip, mozza…
Him: hell yes, Super Bowl Sunday!
Me *mouth full of food*: uper ol wat?
Call your teenage daughter by the dog’s name one time and she doesn’t talk to you for three days. Three wonderful fabulous amazing days.