Rarely does an interaction with someone end with me thinking “I guess I was wrong about people.”
You Might Also Like
[alien parasite invasion]
ME: Welcome to earth, I’ll be your host
My 10-year-old is cleaning the kitchen. One roll of paper towels later I have the world’s cleanest kitchen stool.
Don’t fight City Hall. It’s a building, you’re just gonna break your wrist.
Don’t think of it as losing followers, think of it as frustrating bots to the point they go away
I started planking. Well, I laid on my stomach and it was so nice I didn’t want to ruin it with exercise.
When I think about you, I touch myself.
In the face.
With my fist.
*Opens Twitter*…..scrolls 4356 tweets….*checks for abs*
*power walks to the refrigerator*
I’m not “rich.” Actually, it depends on how you define wealth. If you’re talking about money, relationships, or happiness, then no still
I have felt uncomfortable before. But we were just passed by a slow moving hearse and funeral cars… My son is dressed as the grim reaper.
He f**ng waved.
Fell down the stairs and my 5yo complained, that it was so loud. I told him, i would fall more quietly next time and he looked at me like i was very stupid and said”Just don’t fall at all!” I was glad that he provided this solution!
Seeing a lot of people questioning how a bridge that big can collapse that quickly, so as someone with an engineering degree, I’ll try to break it down from a technical perspective:
Bridges aren’t designed to withstand a giant ship crashing into them. Hope that helps!
I will walk one state over to avoid parallel parking.
Friend: What’s it like living in a large family?
Me: It’s like the tv show Survivor except we’re all related.
I think the ideal solution to my problems would be for me to get tenure. I don’t know exactly what tenure is but I think it could really turn things around for me.
**Pixar Film Themes Guide**
Toy Story: Jealousy
WALL-E: Environmentalism
Up: Bereavement
Cars: Cars
[invention of croutons]
Let’s make eating salad hurt
Following Facebook saga of a missing cat. The husband rang his wife to say he’d found it but it was hissing at him and fighting with their other cats. When wife got home the cat he’d found was a different colour, size and sex to the missing cat. He’d kidnapped someone else’s cat.
Oh he looks allergic to me. I’ll go sit on him
~ cats
SCIENTIST: dont be stressed! some rocks becom diamonds under extreme pressure
ME: wat about the other rocks
SCIENTIST: oh they turn to dust
“Am I as bored as you are?” can be read backwards and still make sense.
My friends went out for Vietnamese without me and now I have Phomo.
My doctor’s office just called to confirm my Pap smear tomorrow. They told me I’m not allowed to bring any guests. So if I had previously invited you to this incredibly invasive procedure, unfortunately I have to uninvite you. Sorry.
If you ever get arrested, lighten the mood by pretending to go for his gun.
Cucumbers Anonymous
Today i convinced my brother for a full minute that the Beatles wrote “blackbird” about Batman
“The old lady I see in the park every day has had her house raided.”
“Sniffer dogs?”
“No, I usually just say good morning to her”.
Buying my parents’ house.
Soon, like so many of the ‘ladies’ here…
I too will be a middle aged man tweeting from his mom’s basement.
Why did they call it “conjugal visit” when “guilty pleasure” was right there?
When you’re on a date that’s not going well, just start talking about genital psoriasis.
You’re welcome.