Raspberry buy guitar
Raspberry take lessons
Raspberry answer ad
Raspberry show up at drummer’s house
Raspberry plug in
Raspberry Jam
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Deleting dating apps because, if you’re not already sitting on my couch, we’re not meant to be.
“My buddy can’t get a date it’s wild”
That sucks. What’s he like?
“He’s in great shape, hits the gym,”
But what’s his personality-
“He makes so much money. He has three Ferraris.”
How’s his personali-
“He wears three gold watches & a gold hat. Why doesn’t he have a gf”
#TwitterWouldBeBetterWithout my mother-in-law..here’s actual footage of me finding out she’s found my account..
My friend sneezed and I didn’t say “God bless you” and I had to watch helplessly as demons appeared and dragged him to hell.
Neil Patrick Harris couldn’t host a tapeworm without a musical number. #Emmys
Me: *curling my hair*
Olympic committee: That’s impressive, but not exactly what we are looking for.
being a liberal is all fun and games until you need a friend with a truck
Flight attendant: Is there a doctor onboard?
Mom: *nudging me* that should’ve been you
Me: Not now Mom
Mom: Not asking for an artist to help, are they?
Everyone on the plane: Wait, you’re an artist?
Everyone on the plane, including dying guy: Can you draw me?
Karate Kid taught an entire generation that there is nothing that dedication, perseverance, and an illegal kick to the face can’t solve
promising I won’t get too involved in my son’s little league game but it’s the second inning and I just told the umpire to lawyer up
My friend got fired from her job just for eating chips. I hope she can find another job in the casino industry.
There you go again, overusing big words like some kind of tweeting sesquipedalian.
Idiot.
Only Americans understand
When complaining of a stomach ache, you don’t really need to point to it or pat it gently. People pretty much know where the stomach is.
I had fruit and yogurt for breakfast.
And 6 donuts for second-breakfast.
“Just spread them open and shove your face in there.”
– How to put on glasses.
I just slipped on a banana peel.
It didn’t fit.
If I ever had to fight a bear I hope it’s a gummie bear.
Doctor: eating every 2 hours is wrong
Me: yea, 2 hours is a stretch
teach a man to fish and he’ll turn around and try to teach you to fish like he invented it and you’re an idiot
Sorry I’m late. I was standing in front of the cooler staring at names on Coca Cola bottles for 10 mins realizing how many people I dislike.
Officer: Cause of death?
Me: Well it all started innocently..
You know I’m something of a chef myself
The “eye for an eye” philosophy isn’t exactly a level playing field if your grievance is with a cyclops.
People accuse me of never giving a damn about anyone but myself, but I distinctly remember saying ‘bless you’ when someone sneezed last year
When people fall with their iPhone 6 in pocket and hear a crack sound:
“Please let it be my leg, Lord.”
guy about to invent alarm clocks: i wish waking up early was worse
guy who invented shot put: im tired of holding this put
Wish my husband got a check from the NFL for all the refereeing he does from his recliner…