Ratatouille is my favorite movie based on a true story.
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police: put ur hands behind ur back
me: are u mad at me
Adam: happy Mother’s Day, Eve
Eve: it’s tomorrow
Adam: happy Mother’s Day Eve
me: your wife’s surgery was a success
him: great. *pulls me aside* so how long until we can have sex?
me: *shrug* I’m free whenever
Eye of the tiger. Nose of the lion. Mouth of the lynx. Ear of the bobcat. Throat of the cougar. Forehead of the ocelot.
Boyfriend: you want to go see the new Star Wars?
Me: I LOVE STAR WARS
BF: which was your fav
Me: duh, Sorcerer’s Stone
Eulogies are just goth stand-up.
Well kids, when a man and woman love each other very much, he erects a monument for her, but in his pants.
Heard my kid say, “I’m sorry, but my mom doesn’t talk to strangers when she’s home unless girl scout cookies are involved” when he answered the front door, so obviously I have a favorite now.
Skipped the gym today to go to McDonald’s. The bus did not come back, so I had to walk 2 miles home. Well played, universe.
[on Mars]
ASTRONAUT: An alien!
MISSION CONTROL: Ok, so
A: I choke slammed it
MC: What?
A: Another one!
MC: DO NOT CH
A: [choke slam noises]
If you’re going to text your boss that you’re an hour late, make sure you end with “I’m bringing you a ham and cheese croissant.”
be the person your targeted ads think you should be
If u love someone and they don’t love u back the first thing you need to do is make them a scrapbook with you both in little wedding outfits
I think the saying “every man for himself” was made up by women tired of making sandwiches
Apparently you can be asked to leave the courtroom if you fall off your chair too many times
Sometimes I toast to world peace, but secretly, I just want restaurants to stop serving frozen butter with bread
I haven’t had a good nights sleep since I started wondering what holds up those blocks in Mario.
If science is so great why do we only have one vegetable on the cob
It sucks when someone cuts you off in traffic and you have to catch up to them & throw a perfectly good cup of coffee at their windshield.
Oh how all 5 feet 3 inches of me breathed a sigh of relief today at work when they announced that the tallest person in every group had to facilitate the breakout discussions.
A guy with a sense of humor that matches mine will always get my attention.
My Mom keeps warning me about talking to strangers on the Internet.
I’m 34 now Mom. I don’t talk to them. I sleep with them.
real
Fifty Shades of Grey is only romantic because the guy is a billionaire. If he was living in a trailer park it would be a Criminal Minds episode.
Given my love of animals and hatred of housework, I predict my cause of death will be choking on a fur ball.
Police: Sir, you account is hacked.
Me: Twitter?
Police: No, bank account.
Me: Oh, thank god !!
Interviewer: Can you perform under pressure?
Me: I can try but Freddie Mercury had a range I just can’t reproduce.
Back in my day when we found a Pokémon we had to beat it to death with a rotary phone
Her: I’m a sapiophile
Me: I don’t know what that is
Her: it’s being attracted to intelligence
Me: totally I am a sap… sapial… me too