Ratatouille me.
Sit on my head and pull my hair.
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A fun thing to do is scream “JENGA!” and yank a ladder out from under somebody.
Son: How does this end?
Me: Well, some people go to heaven, but others go to hell where they are tortured forever in a horrifying apocalyptic wasteland
Son: No this movie
Me: Shrek marries Fiona
Relationship status: my period comes more often than I do.
[first date]
HER: So do you prefer cats or dogs?
ME: *scanning the menu* I don’t even see them on here. What page are you on?
Oh really, Carol? It takes fewer muscles to smile than to frown? How many muscles does it take you to mind your own business
My neighbors are out in their backyard having an epic argument so it looks like the fireworks show is getting started early.
I’m starting to think we won’t be getting Mambo number 6. If it was coming, it would have happened by now
*Backstreet Boys voice*
Am I acceptable?
Mother Goose: I need some ideas for my nursery rhymes.
Me: a young boy and girl fall down a hill and the boy suffers a head injury.
Mother Goose: what? these are for children
Me:
Mother Goose:
Me: an egg falls off a wall and dies.
1 cup of coffee: awake
2 cups: chipper
3 cups: talking to myself
4 cups: talking to objects
5 cups: talking to people
6 cups: talking to the goddess of space and time who controls our destiny
7 cups: talking to police
8 cups: phone confiscated
2019: the floor is lava
2020: literally don’t touch anything
Pregnant wife: Are you going to be a good big sister?
3-year-old: Babies are jerks.
“I can’t find this book on the shelf.”
“I’m sorry, it looks like we don’t have that book in the library system.”
“But you had this book five years ago!”
“Sir, I had so many things five years ago.”
“This won’t end well, mark my words.
Mark, my words.
MARK.
MY WORDS! I NEED MY WORDS, MARK!!!”*Mark sweatily fumbles with the script*
I wish I was as consistent as the poppy seed that finds the space between my two front teeth
I hate it when I get really drunk and start to say a bunch of things that I mean
Me *putting honey on toast*
Son: do you know bees make that?
Me: uh yeah I’m not an idiot
[Later]
Date: tell me something interestingMe: bees make toast
Stopped visiting friends because they have a child gate on the way to the upstairs bathroom I can’t figure out.
Such bullshit that people stop saying “You ate it all! Good job!” once you reach a certain age
(meeting the queen without knowing who she is)
Well, aren’t you a fancy little lady! Is today your birthday?
“i’m going to give them a piece of my mind” no you should hang onto those you’re running out
I think a better question is- Where’s Waldo’s parents?? That dude is constantly getting lost in large crowds…
me: why can’t I crack this egg open
wife: because it’s a lemon
me: first my car and now this
Dad: *getting grill ready* I need some lighter fluid
Me: *ties a balloon to his drink*
Dad: *sniff* I’m so proud of you
How to place cats on green screens using Adobe After Effects everywhere
Well. That’s not a good sign.
Either I just saw a bat in the garden or the mice are using hand-gliders to avoid our cat.
Wanna hear a construction joke?
I’m working on it.
Made my wife laugh so hard that she spit out her milk so I said, “At least you’re consistent” & the laugh got replaced with a steak knife.
18: I’m going to ask the stylist what color screams parental issues.
Me: …