Rather alarming headline…
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Snorting hot chocolate powder thru a hollowed out candy cane at my desk because Cheryl said I wasn’t “showing enough holiday spirit.”
[on a first date]
Her: I don’t like guns
Me: *casually unrolls my t-shirt sleeves*
He was a koi.
She was a squirrel.
Can I make it any less obvious?
I shoulda been an air conditioner cause all I do is vent.
And then the devil said, “leave her on read.”
Sure, most of my cousins are doctors and lawyers and professors with nice houses and adorable kids but I’m the only one who can digest milk
My husband had an affair in my dream, but I still love him. And if I ever talk to him again, I’ll tell him.
Dog: I didn’t do it.
Cat: You left a cup on the table. Now it’s on the floor. Clearly, this is your fault.
I lose bobby pins in my hair. Please don’t ask me to babysit your kids.
“Cool.” was my spouse’s text reply to me getting our Pearl Jam tickets today.
So anyway, after I bury the body in the back yard, I have an extra ticket if someone wants to go.
30% of parenting is making yourself the bad guy so your kids will unite against you and get along for a little while.
Every winter Olympic sport is just a variation of either ‘get down hill fast’ or ‘knife feet’
One of my buddies is so healthy, wealthy, and wise… I wonder what his secret is? I want to ask him but he always goes to bed so early
Parents: “If only there were a manual for this.”
Also parents: “How dare you tell me how to raise my kids, you piece of shit.”
“The Last Voyage of the Demeter” is too long a title. Personally , I would have called it “Bitey Boat”.
Me to my 10 yo: Why is your Roblox character so little? You look like a baby.
Her: Other people in the game think I’m cute so they pick me up and take me to their house then I rob them and run away.
Me:
Phones can’t detect my thumbprint. My career as a cat burglar is about to take off.
My 7-year-old daughter asked me twice today “what poison would kill someone the fastest?” and now I’m wondering if I’ve underestimated her.
They grow up so quick
Pretty messed up that every year I swallow 8 spiders.
And none of them ever call me again.
[first date]
Her: Are you wearing a wire?
Me: *realizing I forgot to take the hanger out of my shirt before putting it on*
oh you like road-trips? name every road then
If you think the world revolves around you, you’re either a narcissist or a terrible astronomer.
The head of my homeowners association told me I can’t burn any effigies over 15 feet tall in my yard, so I know exactly what my next 14′ 11″ effigy will be, hope you like it Todd
since people are posting their 2022 accomplishments I’d like to share that in April, I went to put a bowl of soup in the microwave but absentmindedly stuck it in the oven and spent 10 mins freaking out that the microwave had somehow zapped my soup into the void
JUDGE: You’re going to a maximum-security prison.
ME: Good, that makes me feel safe.
Ghost haunting my house: Okay, I’m just going to clean up your TINY, SHITTY, Apartment while you’re gone because I can’t not-live like this!
“You’d look better without make-up” You’ve never seen me without make-up, you have no way to know if that is true, I am putting your cast iron pan in the dishwasher
Leia: I love you.
Han: I know.
[gets frozen in carbonite]
[two years pass]
[gets unfrozen]
Leia: WHAT THE HELL DO YOU MEAN “I KNOW?!”
last time I passed out on a Saturday night was when I sprayed too much bleach cleaner on the tub & forgot to open a window