Rather than trying to “change” your passwords, accept them for their imperfections and they will grow stronger than you can possibly imagine
You Might Also Like
I know you have good intentions, but it’s cruel to set a Roomba free. For one, they’re raised in captivity and don’t have the skills to survive outside. And for two, nature abhors a vacuum.
Doe, a deer, a female deer,
Ray, a guy who owes me money.
Kids: What’s for supper?
Me: Well, I didn’t have the ingredients to make a traditional Irish boiled dinner, so I’m just using what we’ve got.
[5 mins later]
Wife: WHY ARE THERE 6 HOT POCKETS BOILING ON THE STOVE
that feeling when you hold her face in your hands & gaze into her eyes like she’s the universe, then u think “wait a minute, who’s driving”
Date: so what’s your love language?
Me: English. I wouldn’t say I love it but I knows it
“Don’t move or she’s dead” was the last thing the wife heard before the husband started tap dancing.
Biden: I painted “Michelle Obama 2020” on your bedroom ceiling
Obama: 😳
Biden: Glow in the dark paint
Never say never. Unless someone asks you when you want to go camping. Then the right answer is always “Never”.
Remember when you bury a body in your backyard be sure to cover it with endangered plant or tree so they can’t dig it up. Follow me for more helpful tips 👍🏻
C. S. Lewis: *writes a Narnia book in a week with no outline*
me: *writing multiple drafts of a three-sentence DM to a crush*
My 6yo told my husband he was “grounded for eternity,” but my 4yo pointed out that “you have to let him out when he dies so he can go to a cemetery.”
There is a drunk woman on the tube throwing After Eights at everyone and, in the most British way possible, everyone is pretending they aren’t being hit on the head by tiny chocolatey squares (which hurts by the way) and not looking at anyone else in the eye.
WIFE: ugh I hate this slow cooker
SLOTH [still putting his apron on] I hate you too, Sharon
Plot twist: I knock on Jehovah’s Witnesses doors. “I’d like to talk to you about modern science “
Immediately after walking into a store with your spouse, stop, block the entrance, and discuss why you both came. It’s all good. I’ll wait.
I shed so much hair, I couldn’t commit a perfect murder if I tried.
breaking: schrute farms has banned kanye, no beets for him.
I kept getting my shin badly grazed by the pedal of my bike when I was was a kid, that was one vicious cycle.
I’m going to subtly spread my brownie crums across your car because I silently resent you for changing the song.
I started running today. Also, there is a new mean dog in the neighborhood that interrupted my walk today.
[F*R*I*E*N*D*S]
ROSS {barging into Monica’s apartment}: OMG Rachel and I were walking along the San Andreas Fault and it opened up and swallowed her!!
MONICA: How could you let that happen, Ross?!
ROSS: WE WERE ON A BREAK
No one:
Me: oh thank you I got it on sale.
My grandpa purposefully takes his hearing aids out so he can’t hear my kids. I don’t blame him. I’m jealous of him.
BECAUSE YOU SHARED THAT VIDEO EVERY SINGLE PERSON HAS ABANDONED THEIR CAR AND RUN INTO THE FLAMES TO SAVE A RABBIT. THE RABBIT POPULATION IS NOW SPREADING FASTER THAN THE FIRE. THEY ARE 0% CONTAINED. I CAN HEAR THEIR LITTLE FEET COMING THIS WAY. OH NO MY WINDOWS ARE OPE
Me: “Thanks for always being here for me.”
*leans in for a kiss*
Liquor store clerk: “Please just pay for your bourbon and leave.”
Me: *describing criminal* Well he was kind of *muffled laughter* “sketchy”.
Police Sketch Artist: *sighs heavily* Get out.
Just got a paper cut on my webbing so you guys go ahead without me. It’s been fun.
one time my grandma used an american express traveller’s check to buy a whole frozen horse
Exes really text you out of nowhere like bro didn’t you cheat on me
When a child tells you that they have to go potty, you’re about five minutes from too late.