Rating all the Nancy Drew books I’ve read on Goodreads so it looks like I’m smart or something.
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Your mom doesn’t understand
Your dad doesn’t understand
Your friends don’t understandBut french fries, french fries understand you
Me: yes, I’ll take the free burger
Cashier: sir, you have to buy one to get one
Me: I only want one though, the free one
[first day as news anchor]
Me [tryin not to laugh readin report about a man gettin kicked by a horse]: hes said to be in a stable condition
Paint me like one of your French girls….
With a big fat croissant in my mouth
Wearing a pretty new bra today that nobody else is gonna see, so everytime I go to the bathroom, I flash myself in the mirror.
Remember: It’s not stalking if you don’t see me.
Going down to the shelter today to adopt a rotisserie chicken
If it walks like a duck and it looks like a duck, the chances are she’s practising for her next selfie
Why is “you’re a peach” a compliment but “you’re bananas” is an insult? Why do we allow such fruit discrimination?
I call my horse mayo
bc mayo neighs
The worst part about getting kidnapped would be when the news told everyone your real height and weight.
me: see you later alligator
crocodile: [frustrated sigh]
I just cleaned the house and took a picture so that in 15 minutes I can remember how nice it looked.
[my dog lays down on my date’s lap instead of mine]
date: “i had a good time tonight”
me: “i think you need to leave”
Canada channels its’ anger through the geese.
Doctor: What’s the problem?
Me: Our baby cries all night
Doctor: That’s quite normal
Baby: ALL NIGHT
Doctor: Holy shit
Next time you yawn in front of me i’m gonna chuck a peanut m&m down your throat.
If a car depreciates as soon as you drive it off the lot then shouldn’t the price go down when you return from a test drive?
Ok so the rule is if it’s a vowel sound use ‘an’ and if it’s a consonant sound use “a”. Give it a try.
This is an useful exercise.
-Oh uh not that one.We’ve been doing this for over a hour.
-Not that either.Please don’t give me a F
-Nerp.Can I still get a MBA?
-Noop.
If you gain 4lbs in one weekend that just means you’re an overachiever.
In my younger days, I was bullied. Fed up one day I punched the biggest kid in class. I think about that teaching job often.
I just called my boss and told him I have explosive diarrhea. It’s my day off, but I like to keep him informed.
Why do my fully charged AirPods deplete at different rates? Do I listen harder out of one ear?
Normally I’m a curmudgeon who doesn’t think young people have anything worthwhile to say, but then today a 20 year old changed my mind when she told me I looked 10 years younger than I am.
Husband: Did you put “Deadly Wives” and “Why Women Kill” on our watchlist?
Me, picking up his socks sitting on the floor next to the laundry basket: Should’ve added “How to Get Away with Murder” as well.
Husband: What?
Me: What?
In Soviet Russia a bar walks into men. The case of the man-killing-bar remains unsolved.
My dance moves are best described as a woman trying to put on pants 4 sizes too small, with a wasp flying around her head.
I’d like to learn a second language. I’ve narrowed it down to either Spanish or Canadian.
Just learned that land on earth was covered in moss for 40 million years. Imagine getting to one million years of just moss thinking that you gotta be done with moss any day now and then you learn it’s 39 million more years of moss
Yesterday I asked my 12-year-old son what other kids at school think about him having 2 dads.
His response: They don’t care but they don’t like how I’m immune to “Yo Mama” jokes.