Raw eggs are great for a fitness diet.
If you don’t like the taste, just add sugar, flour, cocoa and baking powder and bake for 30 minutes.
You Might Also Like
We went on a family vacation and it was a terrible experience. It was all whining, complaining, and tantrums. And don’t get me started on what my kids did.
[leans over to kid watching Planet of the Apes in the theatre]
Call them monkeys one more time & see what happens.
If you ever need to find evidence to prove someone’s guilt or innocence, always check the pudding first.
professor x: what’s your superpower
me: i get everyone fired
ex professor: what wait no
mario: I hate you
wario: and I hate you
mario:
wario:
mario: do you wanna play tennis
wario: lmao hell yeah
I just heard an add on the radio stressing the importance of healthy muscles and it inspired me to bend my elbows more while eating cake.
The cynicism of those who urge me not to do what I can to help the Nigerian royal family.
Today we break bread and give thanks. Tomorrow I will throat-punch you at Wal Mart.
I feel like my relationship with the Walking Dead started so great and we had some good times but now we’re only staying together for the kids.
I’m beginning to suspect I wasn’t sold a corgi
Just a warning if you’re buying a watch on Amazon. I learned the hard way that if it says you can swim with it, this only applies if you can already swim without it.
I planned to graduate camping school but I failed tent grade.
i wish it was legal to leave the house without spending at least $100 but they actually shoot you execution style if you try
its raining men! hallelu..*thud* omg are you ok? *thud* oh sweet jesus! *thud* *thud* oh the horror! *thud* WHY GOD? WHYYYY??
Interviewer: what’s your greatest weakness?
Me: *slams fist* only a super villain would ask that!
*walls fall over revealing secret lab*
From now on, I am starting violent emails with “to whom it WILL concern”. I want to be clear that I am fighting!
My latest business venture is not-for-profit, apparently.
So it turns out we were both wrong, but the important thing to remember is you were more wrong.
once i get some clearasil, it’s over for you blotches
[in church]
“And Jesus, our saviour, died on the cross for your sins.”
[vicar points directly at me & entire congregation collectively nods]
Me: What are you doing?
4yo: I’m scalloping like a horse.
My kids have been joking for weeks about a new pokémon called puke-achu and then they got the stomach flu and brought it to life
If empaths don’t exist then explain how we know so much. For instance I can tell right now that you’re frustrated with me and you think I’m stupid
“Daddy’s not home, so for dinner we’re having a smorgasbord!” I tell the kids, using the Swedish word for chicken nuggets and Benadryl.
Ever tried to pinch a dried yogurt smear off your black leggings and watched in horror as a cloud of dust floated off of them?
Me either. That’d be gross.
ME: Is this Babies R Us
CASHIER: Yes
ME: No babies work here
C: I know
ME: It should be called Babies Were US
C: …
ME: Get me your manager
*shotguns bottle of hot sauce*
*checks mirror*
Is it working yet?