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Where’s a careening bus when you need it?
New modem
5yo: What is that?
Me: an alien detector
5: It has a glowing green light.
Me: means it found one.
5: It’s pointing right at you
Me *evil grin* I know
We’re all ridiculous…
It’s not a competition.
There must’ve been a good reason Zimmerman pulled a gun on his wife. Like, maybe she was walking down the street, minding her own business.
Yes, I wear this shirt a lot. It’s my shirt that I purchased and I own a washing machine. Amazing.
What do you call a place where you can purchase bootleg horror movies?
A spook-easy.
#dadjokes
[1st date]
DATE: When I’m with a handsome man I get all nervous & involuntarily start speaking French
ME [leans across] Oh really?
DATE: Yes
I feel sorry for the Phillip whose head inspired the screwdriver.
Entrepreneurs will work hard and put in 120% for years only for one article to tell you that their secret is that they do yoga at 4.30am 🙄🙄🙄
hitman: [about to jump out of my closet]
me: [walks in wearing nothing but a cowboy hat] alexa play dancing queen
hitman:
You get a green perennial vegetable, you get a green perennial vegetable, EVERYBODY GETS GREEN PERENNIAL VEGETABLES!
– Okra
So you’ve had white presidents, a black president and now an orange one. I’m crossing my fingers for the Hulk next time around.
Noah: I need 2 of every animal
Shark: even us?
Noah: no, you can swim
Unicorn: I’m pretty good at swimming
Noah: go for it
gentlemen, we are gathered here today by my milkshake.
i asked my mom why she was crying and she said because shes choping onions which is sad becuase as a young child she was adopted by onions
I’m so lazy, I’ll only walk my fingers through your hair.
My 3yo said “Alexa” repeatedly for 5 minutes and when he finally walked away Alexa asked if I could put her in a dark room with a bottle of wine
If anyone else mentions how tiny I am today I will bite their ankles
I eat my Chinese food just like any other American, with chopsticks, one grain of rice at a time.
It’s impossible to buy a mirror that isn’t used
I don’t know how to explain it, but sometimes cheese just falls into my cart at the grocery store.
A dog or a baby can only survive about 6 seconds in a closed car with the air conditioner off in July; an annoying fly, 2 weeks.
waiter: need help with the menu?
me: yes, what’s this word here
waiter: the name of the restaurant, sir
me: and how is that prepared
[creating my Tinder profile]
Are u seeking:
men [ ]
women [x]Select one:
18-29 [ ]
30-39 [ ]
40-49 [x]
50+ [ ]me: who needs 50 girlfriends lol
<in bed>
<hears ice maker>
OMG! I’m going to get murdered!<hears a/c come on>
OMG! I’m going to get murdered<dog barks at door>
STFU!
“Finish your peas. Kids in China are starving”
“Finish your math. Kids in America are cheating off the Asian kids”
COWORKER: Walking is better for your knees than running.
ME: Hammocking is better than both.
[mind reader club]
speaker:
audience:
speaker:
audience: *clapping*
My son asked me what it’s like to be a parent so I woke him up at 3 a.m. to let him know that I couldn’t sleep.