Hey girl, before I come over, did you say you were in a jacuzzi or the yakuza?

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I try to use proper grammar and punctuation in all of my tweets, until I’m about to go over the 140 character limit…& den u no how it b.


*Walks in late to dinner*

I see fed people.


Me: I just souped up my car
Person: What kind of engine did you put in it?
*cut to me filling my car with tomato soup*
Me: Um… A fast one.


I’d say at least 10% of parenting is smelling stuff.



‘Oh yeah, I love to cook!’
*removes salad from the microwave


[sound of me nailing door shut]
Wife “WTF are you doing?”
Its too late for her now she’s as good as dead


[the next jurassic park movie]

ATTENDANT: Oh no the dinosaurs have escaped again!

ME: Why do people keep coming here…?


*driving away from a heist*

guys seriously put your seatbelts on it’s just gonna keep beeping


ME: I’ll have a mocha latte an can I get an extra sho-
Eminem: *wearing apron* YOU ONLY GET ONE SHOT


If you say “I don’t feel good” and a pregnant woman says “Me neither,” DO NOT respond with “Yeah, but you chose this for yourself…”