*re-dials*
Hey girl, before I come over, did you say you were in a jacuzzi or the yakuza?
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Kids have scary dreams because grandmas say things like: “You’re so cute. I could just eat you up!”
“Living well is the best revenge.”
– someone who has never thrown a jar of spiders onto their enemy’s face.
Having children teaches you patience, humility, love and to never, ever, be surprised when you find a Barbie doll leg clogging the toilet.
Updating my dating profile….
My husband isn’t being as helpful as I’d hoped tbh
Nephew: omg look at how thick your ipad is.
Me: That’s a book.
My wife almost fell down the stairs today and that got us into a heated argument whether my gasp was out of concern or excitement.
[The year was 2050]
“Grandpa why are you sitting outside”
“There was a time when this was illegal you know”
I went to school with a girl named
Nonstick CookingSprayWe tried calling her Pam …
but it didn’t stick.
My 2yo was concerned about a bruise on his knee so I said “don’t worry it will go away soon” and he earnestly asked “where will it go? in the bin?”
MTV canceled Teen Mom, so it’s like they had those babies for nothing.
My rings were getting loose so I gained ten pounds.
“Go to hell” is so abstract. “Get trapped in a porta potty for 67 months.” Now that’s specific. That’s possible. That’s terrifying.
“Damn! If I wasn’t already married, I’d propose to myself,”
I humbly say as I taste test this homemade mac and cheese.
You have to be careful making self deprecating jokes on twitter. Because you say something like “oh my gosh I’m so ugly!” And people are like “yes. But we love you!” 😂🤣
Bank: your credit card payment is late
Me: your imaginary financial system is illegitimate
Bank: what
Me: nothing what do I owe
Be careful when you follow the masses sometimes the M is silent
My 4yo picked up a toy and put it away without being asked, and I just stared at her like she was a woodland animal I didn’t want to scare.
Me: You’re not like other girls.
3-year-old: *continues looking for the right Barbie to fight her dinosaurs*
Oura Ring: “Time to stretch your legs a bit?”
I’M IN BACK TO BACK ZOOM MEETINGS LEAVE ME ALONE HEALTH DEVICE!
me: one big skeleton please
clerk: ma’am this is a McDonald’s
me: oh sorry. One big McSkeleton please
The plan was to keep eating these alcoholic chocolates until I was either drunk or diabetic. I didn’t bargain on “bankrupt” being an option.
You would think my neighbors would appreciate me petting their dogs every day.
But nooooo, they’re too worried about how I keep getting into their house.
Me: what will you trade me for my Soul
Devil: dude I am NOT buying your KIA
*phone rings*
“Yeh hi who’s this? Sure he’s here hold on.. Drastic Measures! Call for u.”
“Who is it?”
“Drastic Times”
*crowd goes wild*
Not only was my brother not mad when I backed into his Porsche, he even invited me camping and said to bring a shovel. Whew!
Add spice to your relationship. Probably not saffron, though. That stuff’s expensive.
Give me the nuclear codes. No one would expect me to have them
There’s a mom at the school pickup with a shirt that says “I don’t always whoomp, but when I do, there it is.” I think I love her
Until zoom life I had no idea how many people dig in their ear.
Today i convinced my brother for a full minute that the Beatles wrote “blackbird” about Batman