Re: recent conversation about which of your cats is the convicted felon
You Might Also Like
“Woo, I’m on a roll today, baby!”
-butter
ME: You wouldn’t believe these sparklers I got!
SPOUSE: That’s dynamite!
ME: *waiving around the lit fuse* I know! It’s really cool!
SPOUSE: *already running*
Tonight I realized that I gaze at cheese in much the same way that first time mothers gaze at their newborns
Interviewer: And do you have any experience as a carpenter?
Me, sweating nervously: YES I SPEND ALL OF MY FREE TIME CARPENTING. I’M VERY CARPENTROUS
Interviewer:
Me: I HAD FOUR RED BULLS BEFORE I CAME HERE IS THERE A BATHROOM I COULD BUILD?
I cannot imagine being as bored as the first person to poach an egg
Not how I expected him to come back but okay.
Serena Williams just thanked Me! You’re welcome, Serena! That’s what I do all day! Decide the winner of women’s tennis matches!!!
I throw naked mini-wheats back in the box like I’m not the one who’s gonna get stuck with the bowl of naked mini-wheats in the end
her: i saw a shark walking along the beach
me: *flicks cigarette* sharks don’t even have feet, jen
Director: one of you actors tampered with my DNA last night!
Tom Cruise: not me, I went cruising
Elizabeth Banks: I was at the bank.
Gene Hackman: *drops test tube in surprise*
Never watch porn when you’re tripping. You’ll zero in on the sad eyes and start to see a kaleidoscope of missed dance recitals and pain.
I got the words yakuza and jacuzzi confused the other day.
Now I’m in hot water with the Japanese mafia.
38% of being a dad is sitting in a car looking at your watch and waiting for everybody else to come out
Me: *explains math problem*
Tween: I don’t understand.
Me: *explains the exact same way except more aggravated*
I was shopping the Netherlands Amazon site and the shopping cart is called the “winklewagen” and now I can’t stop thinking about that.
*Being murdered in bed*
Me: CAN YOU JUST TRY NOT TO DISARRANGE THE THROW PILLOWS??
No shit your baby is crying. You just announced her weight to a group of strangers.
[assigning roles]
god: the sun shall fuel all life on earth
sun: sounds good
god: and the moon shall make tiny waves and werewolves
moon: hell yes
My favorite part of Easter is when, after dinner, the whole family gets together and reads letters about how my drinking has affected them.
him: you’re obsessed with the Flintstones
me *totally broke, struggling to use a chipmunk to open a can* haha yes
{Being rescued after 2 years on a deserted island}
HER:
ME:
HER:
ME:
HER: So, how did yo-
ME: I don’t know how I gained weight.
*butterfly climbing out of chrysalis*
oh my god I’m turning into my mother
I just opened a Valentine’s Day card that was filled with heart confetti. I don’t remember the last time I was this angry.
My 5 year old is stuck inside a duvet cover right now so I think I’m going to go for a walk and just let Darwin solve this one.
The Police come right away when you tell em your baby is locked in the car…
They don’t however think it’s cute to call your phone baby..
a lot of people afraid to put in hard work but I make my living the way my grandfather did and his grandfather before him. selling the same pigeon to the same guy over and over again because it keeps flying back to me.
I’m going to sit here and wink at you. It’s going to be a very long wink. With both eyes. Please, by all means, go on with your story.
When I worked in fragrance, my friends and family would ask for samples all the time.
Now that I work in a bank… Same
I love spending 20 mins wrapping cocktail weiners in croissant dough so the 3yo at the party can take off the ‘crust’ and eat just the ‘hotdog’.
What idiot named it balding & not vanishing into thin hair