Reached a point in my life that I have no ‘bones to pick’ nor ‘axes to grind’. Most would call it forgiveness, I call it memory loss and it’s peaceful.
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My son cried when I gave him his breakfast this morning. I made him scrambled eggs, covered them in ketchup & told him it was Humpty Dumpty.
*First Date*
Him: You’ve been really quiet. Everything ok?
Me: *Sadly* Your SnapChat photos made me think you were a super intelligent dog.
If there is a god and he “loves” us then explain spiders
Remember, when you’re driving in the snow, it’s important to speed up and go as fast as you can so you don’t get stuck.
7YO: Can you buy me a Ken so that Barbie can date him?
Me: Here just use this Captain America
4YO: (tearing into room) HE CAN’T DATE YOUR BARBIE HE’S BUSY GIVE HIM TO ME
Teen: Your outfit is on fleek!
Me: (confused) Yeah well your MOM is on fleek.
Teen: (smiles) Thank you!
Me: God damn it.
My answer to most questions is an intelligible grunt, a flustered pointing motion, & a 3 hour nap.
The best part about putting your cat on a diet is the frequent wake up calls every couple of hours starting around 2am 🙃
My tiny pocket in my jeans is actually to put my annual salary
Ever look at someone and think you could spend the rest of your life saying. “What?” to this person?
Im gonna tell my daughter to lay off the liquor, cause I love her! (…and I dont want her to mess up her kidneys before I need one)
[Running away from home]
Me: I didn’t even know houses could run this fast!
me: I’m quitting, here’s my badge and gun
zookeeper: your what
To be frank, I’ll need to commit an identity fraud.
if you haven’t yet today pleaseeeee make sure you get in your hours and hours of screen time. you are your phone’s entire life. it misses you ♥️♥️🫶🏼🫶🏼 always remember this
Yeah but neither are the yachts soooooo 🤷♀️
<during sex>
Me: Can we pretend I didn’t just call you Uncle Joe?
Her: Not sure, it’s pretty disturbing.
Uncle Joe: It didn’t bother me.
ME: I’m ok. I’m ok. It’s just cramp.
GYM INSTRUCTOR: Ok, tie your other lace and lets do this.
Every person you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.
Make it worse by asking if they’re drinking enough water.
[right after sex]
Me: so that was uhh-
The Flash: I KNOW OKAY?!
Therapist: And what do we say when we feel like this?
Me: That’s show biz baby
Therapist: No
Your body is like Wonderbread…
Your body is a Rubberband…
Your body is like Disneyland…John Mayer first drafts.
what’s something i can do besides get married where i can be the center of attention and everyone cries and tells me how beautiful i am
*first day as a getaway driver*
Me: Hey does anybody want anything from the drive-through?
In six days god created heaven and earth. On the seventh day, in the interests of balance, the bbc interviewed satan.
I wish I was 7’9″ so my BMI would be normal
there are two types of people in the world, those who have to go to Walmart, and those who get to go to Walmart.
What idiot called it a national anthem instead of country music?
My million dollar invention is a microwave that stops beeping when you yell, “I hear you!” from across the house.
*wakes up the guy next to me* wow theres a sleepy boy here on this plane haha. Im on business myself. tryin to see if iceland is made of ice