Reached the age where I have to do like 150 healthy things every day just so it doesn’t hurt when I burp.
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{The purge}
GUY MURDERING ME: It’s “purge.” It’s a soft g.
ME: The purg. I feel like I’m saying it.
GUY: No, it’s “purge.” You’re saying it like “iceberg.”
ME: Purg.
GUY: *Getting increasingly frustrated* Say iceberg.
ME: Iceburge.
Pro tip: Don’t moan when getting a pat down at airport security
Just tested the structural integrity of a door frame with my face. It’s pretty solid.
Just want to point out the NRA’s plan to stop school shootings is literally the plot of Kindergarten Cop.
When mad at the hubby, I just tweet about it. I don’t sleep with a waitress that looks just like him. I’m talking to you David Arquette.
It’s a little bit tight did you keep the receipt?
Not sure who’s a bigger idiot at this jury duty.
The guy who committed [redacted] or the moron next to me who put a 6 2x in a row of sudoku.
Therapist: Your relationships fail due to your selfishness
*I slip him a twenty*
T: They fail because you’re great & everyone else is awful
Missing those days when “hemorrhoids” was just a challenging word to spell.
Good News: It wasn’t a colon polyp.
Bad News: somewhere, a craigslist escort is missing a press-on nail.
*drunkenly sliding down telephone pole wearing oven mitts*
Cop: Sir? May I ask you what you’re doing?
I’m a sexy fireman, rawr.
Someone asked me what the sound of one hand clapping was so I slapped his face.
me eating the fries out of everyone’s bag but my own before I get home
If I were a cop, I’d focus on the people going the speed limit. They’re the ones with something to hide.
*turns Foo Fighters up on the radio*
ME: hell yeah
13: hell yeah, the classics
*clicks the radio OFF*
ME: you’re grounded
Psychiatrist: what are your future goals?
Me: I can’t tell you because you’ll try to stop me
Dogs naturally form packs, and if left undisturbed, will teach themselves how to play poker
I don’t remember taking this vow of celibacy.
You can tell a lot about a person by how many pet possums they have.
[Jurassic Park]
kid: What do you call a blind dinosaur?
me: What?
kid: Do-you-think-he-saurus
me *pushes him out of the tree*
Be nice to your old friends. They have pictures of your hair from 1988.
Parents please check your children’s Halloween candy this year, I just found a Godzilla in a candy bar and this is just so dangerous.
“That sucked.”
-Elephants who just saw The Peanuts Movie
[reading message i found in a bottle that drifted onto the beach]
to myself: “updog.. what’s updog?”
[another bottle hits my foot]
If you’re cremated after you die, you can be put into an hourglass and continue to participate in family game night.
Took the batteries out the smoke detector for the TV remote cos I’d rather suffocate & burn to death beyond recognition in my sleep than get up to change channel.
I was eliminated as a contestant on Fear Factor after running screaming from a bee.
I’m just going to say it: I don’t think Arkham Asylum has good security.
[having house guests]
Me: omg I need to CLEANNN
[30 minutes later]
Me: you know what if they don’t accept my house then they don’t accept ME
Why aren’t therapists on call? What, am I supposed to just wait a week to tell a medical professional that I’m suspicious of people in hats??