Reached the age where my body is like, “oh yeah, forgot to tell you, we can’t eat cucumbers after 7 P.M. anymore.”
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I take my ibuprofen wrapped in cheese cause why should my dog have all the fun?
New smartphone: $1,000
Monthly fees: $200
Data overages: $75Never talking to anyone:
Priceless.
“One day, I will create a global business-oriented social networking service”
– Abraham LinkedIn
ladies, when he’s sick, treat him right
1. make him chicken soup
2. tuck him in with the remote
3. buy a boa constrictor to snuggle him
I am having fish and chips for lunch.
*pours Pringles and Goldfish Crackers into the same bowl*
I’m going to leave the presents out and hide my kids in the closet until Christmas.
I just ran over a tree, a 5’2″ blonde screaming tree with a purse.
There are only six months between Christmas and Easter which means Jesus was some kind of prodigy “super baby”. Most people don’t consider how much he accomplished in his short lifetime.
who called it an infinity scarf instead of a scaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
proctologist: [removing three nerf darts] do I have to ask
me: no you can have them
Typing
your tweets
like this doesn’t
make them
poems.
ADULT: I’ll have a $2 juice.
BARTENDER: For $13 more we’ll add 1.5 ounces of something that makes it taste bad.
A: Oo, yes I’ll take that.
Good Cop: If you tell us where the money is we can help you.
Bag Cop: *majestically floats around the interrogation room on AC currents*
My daughter reminded me that being older doesn’t mean I’m always right. Sometimes, I’ve just been wrong for longer.
[mustard company office]
*phone rings*
“Yellow”
I taught my son how to roll down a hill and then I taught some passerby’s how I clean puke off my son.
My grandmother was parking on the street and I kept giggling. She finally asked me why, and I just said “paralleloGram.”
Wife: It’s date night!
Me: So, a movie, and… You still have that school uniform?
W: Yes. *winks*
M: Maybe you can get a student discount.
Talk to your kids about drugs.
Maybe they have better connections than you.
[first date]
Me: I collect taxidermy
Him: Really, taxidermy?
Me: It’s a family thing[later, at my place]
Me: Feel free to hang your coat on my stepmom
My kid not only replaced the toilet paper roll but put it on facing the right way, my parenting book is out this fall.
Frogs always look like they just found out there’s no free Wi-Fi.
A COWORKER BROUGHT HER INFANT INTO THE OFFICE LET’S ALL CROWD AROUND AND TERRIFY IT. -women
I assured my wife that I should be left alone to play video games because I had plenty of time to get the dry cleaning and now I’m here and the cleaners decided to close early today for a “family event” and I think I just shouldn’t bother going home and just walk into the ocean.
Todays yoga pose is Downward Spiral.
According to my neighbor’s rooster, it’s 5am now.
Also according to my neighbor’s rooster, we’re having fried chicken for dinner tomorrow.
“Oh, we’re going for a 30 second car ride? OK, let me gather all of my worldly possessions and get a little naked.”
– my 2 year old
[Bat symbol lights up Gotham’s sky]
“Gordon needs me, the city needs me.”
[Robin waving flashlight around]
“Oh wow look they need me too.”
Emotions? No thanks. I’m trying to cut down.
What idiot called it Airport Facilities Maintenance and not Hangar Management?