Reached the stage of parenting where I just found a garlic press in the shower and I didn’t even want to ask why.
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I don’t think fish should be allowed to eat other fish. idk. just seems weird. that’s like your coworker dude
if ghosts r real why are there no dinosaur ghosts? think about that, but u won’t bc i just blew your mind with something called logic, idiot
I’m automatically suspicious of anyone who seems to really like me. From now on I want to see nothing but tepid enthusiasm from you, Sunshine.
Son?
“Yes dad?”
If they ever put me on my death bed… I want you to…
“Yes?”
Tell those idiots to put me on a life bed instead wtf
TEACHER: if i have 5 apples and take away 2, what’s left
KID: your left or my left
To get rid of house guests I just move them from room to room closing doors until they’re on the porch and I’m behind the locked door.
*recovering from a broken ankle*
My dogs: Let us protect you by making sure we are under every. single. step.
When someone accuses you of being defensive, you can’t deny it without sounding defensive. Just hurl a flower pot. No one expects that.
[a duel]
Him: Choose your weapons.
Me: Um…banjos.
Him: See? This is why everyone wants you dead.
mcdonalds: may I take your order
cronus: I’ll have the kids meal
Is this waiter flirting with me because they just handed me a piece of paper that says ME N U
I’m tired of being the bigger person. Just once I want to be the smaller person. I want to be continually shrinking. I’d eventually love to be tiny enough to be carried around in someone’s pocket while shouting petty retorts.
If evolution were real you’d think my body would’ve learned how to be drunk on its own by now.
Dogs can’t talk and everyone loves them, coincidence, I think not.
I saw you checking me out.
Cashier: Literally my job, sir.
CAPTCHA: Prove you aren’t a robot
Me, a sex machine: *sweating*
If you pass out in front of your kids they will either try to call an ambulance or use you as a trampoline. You just don’t know.
[interrogation]
ME: I’ll only answer questions if that officer over there starts kissing my face
COP: Again, the police dog isn’t an officer
[When your mom calls you by your full name]
Mom: Scoobert Doobert!
Scooby: Ruh roh
You don’t have to seduce me with restraining orders and joyrides on the hood of your car, you had me at. “No, I was waving at my friend.”
I’m not saying it’s been a while, but, the last time a girl got down on her knees for me, she showed me how to tie my shoelaces.
It’s never going to work out between Mario and the Princess. Most of the time she’s on a whole other level.
I had the car up on the jack loosening the lug nuts, neighbor says you’re going to kill yourself here let me show you, and that’s how you get someone to change a tire for you.
GOD [creating humans] make them intelligent, sophisticated and rational
ANGEL: ok cool
GOD: but if they get told a plate is hot, they have to touch it lol
5yo: *sniffling*
Me: “Need a tissue, Bud?”
5yo: *wipes nose with couch* “Why?”
8 y/o: [rinsing butter off a knife] Whenever I do this I feel like I’m a blacksmith again.
I’m sorry what now?!
Oops, I “accidentally” left my in-laws at the grocery store. Darn. I guess I’ll just have to get them Monday on the way back to the airport.
[Toy Story 5: The College Years]
girl: do I give you a woody?Andy: don’t– hey, don’t call it that
you: ant-man
me, an intellectual: uncle