*reaches for the stars*
Stars: I have a boyfriend
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fedex guy: here’s ur package
me: thanks
fedex guy: sign please
me: [blushing] Pisces
My psychiatrist is mad at me, told him I could hear people but couldn’t see them…he said when does this happen…I said over the phone
Just blew pot smoke on the huge spider hiding in my shower. I figure if I do this a few more times, he’ll be too stoned to attack me.
Thoughts and prayers to everyone in Hawaii who finally came clean w/ a spouse or partner thinking the missile was on its way.
[at a chemistry convention]
Him: “You’re so-dium cute, but are you always this salty?”
Me: “Na, not always. Just periodically.”
If I can’t use finger puppets during my acceptance speech, then you can keep your Oscar.
Why do seagulls live by the sea?
Because if they lived by the bay theyd be bagels.
If you love someone let them go, if they come back without donuts let them go again.
Be warned that if you buy your 5 year old a watch, you are going to get minute by minute updates on what the current time is
I’m not saying one of my kids is “more difficult” than the others, but so far my oldest wants a remote control car for Christmas, the youngest wants a stuffed unicorn, and the middle one has requested a dinosaur egg so he can raise and train his own velociraptor from birth.
There’s one barista who treats me like I’m very important for whatever reason & he doesn’t let anyone else make my drink so at first I was like “Well shucks, I feel special” but now I’m like, “Is he slowly poisoning me?”
I talk in my sleep according to my phone bill.
Flowers bee like
I hate it when I’m on twitter & there isn’t a car behind me to honk when the light is green.
wife: when my husband pees it sounds like a horse
doctor: he probably has a wide ureth-
*loud whinnying coming from the bathroom*
Why are mobs always “angry mobs”?
Where are all the relaxed mobs and contented mobs and mildly pleasant mobs?
You want a puppy? … correct me if I’m wrong, but didn’t you kill an artificial plant last year.
Annnnd that’s how the fight started.
[Dentist chair]
Him: Lie back and open wide
Me: At least buy me dinner first
Him: *sigh* Please don’t tweet this
Me: *typing* Too late
[clown interview]
Why become a professional clown?
me: [picturing getting hit in the face with cream pies every day] um I like kids
“I like green peppers, but they don’t like me anymore haha.”
They never liked you. They don’t have feelings because they’re food, Barbara.
me: hey can I read that recipe
internet: here’s a video of how to make it
me: can I just read it
internet: WATCH THE VIDEO
Our ten-year wedding anniversary falls on Thanksgiving this year so [stuffs turkey with roses]
Spring chickens aren’t as comfy as memory foam chickens.
Naming my daughter “A Relationship” so I don’t have to worry about punks wanting to be in her.
Me: Look, you delivered this brand new yet ever since it doesn’t stop making weird noises! I believe I’m owed a replacement under warranty?
The midwife: 😐
I saw nothing
I used to give my co-workers nicknames based on their most dominant features, like ‘Loves Abortions Brenda’ or ‘Eats Her Feelings Julie’.
Someone send Kendall Jenner onto a United flight with a Pepsi, stat.
coworker: you should try my therapist.
me: i’ve seen their work. no thanks.