{Reaching adulthood}
ME: Oh, good, turns out no one knows what they’re doing.{2 minutes later}
ME: Oh, wait, seriously?? NO ONE KNOWS WHAT THEY’RE DOING??
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Actually you’re having a conversation with yourself. I’m just here so you don’t appear totally insane.
I have decided to boycott the Plague due to its poor customer service.
[strangers in goat masks dance around a bonfire as I’m being tied to a wooden stake] It’s getting pretty late guys, I should probably head out
Me: How are you doing? Is our date starting to feel a bit awkward?
Her: Yeah, a little…
Me: I was talking to my mom!
Mom: No, I’m fine.
Went to see my doctor today and apparently drinking mimosas are not considered a juice cleanse.
Jfc.
A couple of our wine glasses broke, and I bought slightly smaller ones to replace them.
I don’t think my wife has ever been this mad at me before.
So cute how this taxi driver is taking an unnecessarily long route and driving slowly so he gets to spend more time with me.
HER: it’s over between us
ME: is it because of all my embroidery puns?
HER: I thought you would stop
ME: sew it seamed
*during sex*
Him: come on baby tell me what you want me to do!
Me: ring for pizza, I’m bloody starving
No thanks, Genie. I’m not falling for the old “rub the magic lamp” trick again.
Apparently the g-spot is located in a $1700 pair of Christian Louboutins.
“Kill Bill” but it’s me hunting down whoever stole my sandwich from the break room fridge.
The true crime urge to leave clear fingerprints everywhere you go, just in case
woops did i leave both of my bowling trophies in my hands during sex again that’s embarrassing
her: I’m bored
me: let me take you out and show you a good time
her: ok
[later]
me: *walking past a bar* look, everyone in there’s having funher: I see
Me: Strengths? I never vomit when I’m nervous. *vomits*
HR guy: Umm…you sure about that?
Me: Oh yeah, yeah. I’m just super drunk right now
The worst part about crapping my pants at work was having to set the ACCIDENT FREE sign back to zero days in front of everybody.
what idiot called it tinted windows instead of a drug car tell
Well I’m not really sure why you put “Baby: Ages 0-6” on your resume, but more importantly, why were you a baby for so long
My life coach traded me.
This device could predict incoming phone calls.
*The First Ever Rodeo
“…Does anyone know what we’re supposed to do?”
Working from home has been a good way to find out which of my neighbors have loud lawnmowers and barking dogs. All of them. The answer is all of them.
When a client says “I know people who can charge less”. Smile & respond “I know clients who can pay more.
Life is fair, people are not.
You can’t run a country like a business. If you did, you’d have to pay profits to investors, meaning citizens. And that’s socialism! Bye!
Coachella was invented in 1999 when someone accidentally planted a headband in the desert
American Horror Story: Public Restroom
Obama: Joe, look. Full moon
Biden: What? TONIGHT? *starts shapeshifting*
Obama: Joe?
Biden: AARRGHHH
*Gore kicks door down*
Gore: MANBEARPIG
This did not end as expected.
9: My room is clean.
Me: You keep using that word. I do not think it means what you think it means.