*reaching down to pick up baby*
no guys it’s totally cool, 5 second rule
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My son came home from golfing & took the longest nap. When he woke up, he said, “I took a total Dad nap. I’m going to make the best Dad!”
Something tells me his future wife will not agree with this.
My son’s friend at daycare just shared that he prefers food you eat with a fork because “it’s the only time you get to stab things.” Don’t expect a sleepover invitation any time soon, James.
Remember back when we knew the 7- or 10-digit phone numbers for ALL our friends and family. Now the only phone number I know is 911.
WHISKERS: There’s nothing there. Go ahead.
BLIND PERSON: *Steps off cliff*
WHISKERS: Technically^– why we don’t have seeing-eye cats
Me: I’m a little self conscious with the lights on. Mind turning them out?
Doctor: Just turn your head and cough.
Fact of the Day: Lyrics can be used in a court of law as evidence.
That’s how Billy Joel was acquitted of arson charges.
that scene in doctor who where the doctor brings vincent van gogh to a 21st century exhibition of his work except he takes t.s. eliot to a screening of cats (2019)
Johnny Depp is proof that if you dress like you’re a member of a rock band long enough one will just form around you eventually
me: *filling my plate with a heaping pile of mashed potatoes*
brain: THIS IS PORTION CONTROL PUT THE SERVING SPOON DOWN WE REPEAT PUT TH
me: *goes radio silent*
Oh no, we don’t go in there. That room belongs to the spiders.
my father: enjoying the marching band?
me: yes 🙂
my father: when you grow up will you be the savior of the broken, beaten, and damned and defeat your demons & nonbelievers? cuz one day i’ll leave you, a phantom to-
me: feels like youve got some of your own stuff going on here
“Church of England Formally Approves Female Bishops”. Congratulations British women! You can now move diagonally!
Customer: Why do you own a hot dog stand when you draw and write?
Me: Wanna buy my book?
Them: No.
Me: That’s why I own a hot dog stand.
At what ages do your kids who are 10 years apart stop fighting with each other? Because it’s not 19 & 9 😒
[5:45 AM]
Daughter: “Daddy can you make me breakfast?”Me: “Can you not reach your Halloween candy?”
My multivitamin is the same size as an earplug. Guess how I accidentally know that?
Just sayin’ people weren’t catching the COVID back when we were eating Tide Pods.
“Hashtag.” #ReplaceAOneWordMovieTitleWithTheWordHashtag
Her: You spent our entire life savings on dogs
Me: They’re golden retrievers, Karen. They retrieve gold. I did it for us
I actually turned on the light so the Roomba could “see” where it was going, so I’m not exactly firing on all cylinders today.
Me:*hits rock bottom* welp, it can’t get any worse
Rock bottoms older brother: Is this the guy that hit you
Me: ᴼʰ ⁿᵒ
Me: I’ve lost the dictionary
Her: Can you look upstairs?
Me: I can’t look up anything
I remember Daddy told me fairy tales can come true so any time an old lady offers me an apple or cookie I kill her and bury her in the woods
I’ve learned many things from working with younger people but one is that you can deliver some pretty terrible news followed by lol.
Do I have a plan for the zombie apocalypse? I don’t even have a battery in my smoke detector and fire is real.
me reading the group chat when nobody thinks i’m around
Felony Vandalism is a beautiful name for a girl.
worm: sorry i slept in hey where is everyone