Reaction from my kids after explaining how sex works:
“You’ve done this THREE TIMES?”
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Men always say they like strong, smart women until you argue with them. And then they’re all like: You talk too much….and I want my Mommy.
What kind of monster sits in a rocking chair and doesn’t rock
You’d think people would be more understanding it’s my first day as a tattoo artist.
Through repetition and sheer will I’ve mastered gracefully falling on my head
Keith Richards would kill on funny twitter
Right now, I need a Transformer that can turn into a blender that’s not broken.
*waking up to dog kisses*
Good morning…such a good boy…yes I love you too…you raided the garbage again didn’t you…
[i’m on the ship’s deck, dragging around a board by a rope]
PIRATE CAPTAIN: *rubs temples* that’s not what i meant by “walk the plank”
My couch doubles up as a bed, a work station, a cheeto hiding place…. it’s like the other furniture isn’t even trying!
Only death will keep me from you. Or cake. Or Netflix. Or kittens….hold on, I have a list.
[on knees]
“Oh God… please make this hangover go away.”
[from heavens]
“Due to the Saint Patrick’s Day holiday, we are experiencing abnormally high call volumes. Please hold, and God will answer your prayers in the order in which they were received.”
I’ve seen your area rug, and you sir are not single.
Me: Excuse me Father, what’s the Wifi password?
Priest: We’re in Church!
Me: Oh I’m sorry. What’s the Wifi password, Amen.
When I say I’m not like other girls, I mean that I don’t mind bugs or dirt. Otherwise I am exactly like other girls, and yes, I’m still mad about that thing you said in August of 2009.
Jesus loves you.
But only as a friend.
I’ve broken all my New Year’s Resolutions so now I’m moving on to laws of nature.
Why couldn’t the cyclops spell Hawaii?
Because it requires two i’s.
[tasting wine]
ah yes, good nose, medium bodied & saucy, racy acidity, robust tannins, hint of dark currant, but vodka still exists so literally none of this matters
“Just so you know, you’re coming home with me tonight.” I whisper to all the leftover food on the table from our dinner date.
Autocorrect just changed AC to autocorrect even though I meant air conditioning. And I thought I was full of myself.
A “cup of Joe” has a completely different meaning at the sperm bank
I hate what you’ve done with the place.
My wife and I always eat dinner as fast as possible so we can have a popsicle.
We are 47 years old.
Netflix needs a notification that says ‘Do you want to watch something or not?’ for when couples are taking too long to decide
I USED VOLUMIZING SHAMPOO TODAY AND NOW I CAN’T STOP SHOUTING!
[after meditating]: I’m still angry, but in a calmer way
I’ve been interrogating this dog for hours and he still won’t tell me who’s a good boy.
my allergies were acting up so i took allergy medicine. now i’m sleepy and my allergies are acting up.
Spent $500 on groceries today. Any minute now, one of my kids will list 10 things I forgot.
I’m worried that I encouraged my kids to marry someone for their character and intellect and now I’m gonna end up with nerd grandkids.