Reaction when you try to get out of plans but the person keeps rescheduling so you can make it.
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I like to put powdered sugar around my nose before Zoom meetings
Hey lady I’m no dummy…those are letters not numbers.
-first day of algebra class
Wife: It’s sweltering in here. We need to get the AC fixed.
Me: Look at this gif, it’ll cool you down.
Wife: I forget, did you want to be buried or cremated?
Sorry I didn’t get you an anniversary card, babe, but you opted in to paperless affection on our third date.
i’m not getting my boyfriend a PS5 because then i’d have to get ALL my boyfriends a PS5 and that’s just not financially feasible for me rn
So, is Dora 18 yet, or what? Asking for a friend.
TRUTHFUL TUESDAY:
When my son was 7 he pissed me off so badly I pressed all the elevator buttons knowing every new rider would blame him.
my sentiments exactly
*i drop my pen at work*
Guy who backpacked around Europe: that reminds me of this little village in the north of Romania
It’s daylight savings time which means the clock in my car is about to be correct again
I want to see Taylor Swift and Rupi Kaur fight each other.
[Review]
Boss: We’ll be giving you the company car *yawns*
Me: A car!
B: Sorry, I meant company card *sneezes*
M: Well, a card’s still cool.
B: Sorry again, It’s the company cardigan.
M: Ok, I’m a medium.
B: Then you should have known it was a sweater the whole time.
I don’t like atheism. I’ve worked too many minimum wage jobs for someone to tell me there’s nothing after this. I once waitresses the smoking section of Applebee’s. Smelled like divorce papers signed with a gun shot. I need heaven!
*looks at 4 children*
“You leave me no choice.”
*eats last 3 cookies*
God’s son died single, but he’ll help you find your match on Christian Mingle.
The smoothest fall of all time
Where there’s a pill, there’s a yay.
I’m not saying everything has gone to hell since David Bowie, Tom Petty, and Prince died, but…
*gestures at everything*
[2287 AD]
Omg: dad, where did our names come from?
Karen: the algorithm, son
Meatsheets: dad, we already know there’s no algorithm
Karen: *soft blocks Meatsheets*
“Ok i’ll bite”
*literally any cat i try to be nice to
[to wife on phone] yes spend all our life savings on honey
W: but-
PLS JUST DO IT
*ends phonecall*
BEAR [holding gun to my head]: u did good
ME: *enters password*
COMPUTER: Weak and insecure
ME: No it’s not
COMPUTER: Sorry, I was talking about you. Yeah, the password’s fine
So funny how “go to sleep” and “do parkour” sound exactly the same to kids.
I think
Therefore I am
Tongue tied
[forest]
ME: omg there’s a wolf
WIFE: where?
ME: no the regular kind
Dear kangaroos, what’s stopping you from looking like this?
If a woman asks you to guess her age, always subtract 10 years from your estimate. IMPORTANT: Do NOT do this if she’s in her early twenties.
Pretty excited about making a huge Thanksgiving feast so my daughter can eat a roll.
My hometown ranked 4th for the worst cities for hot dog lovers. I don’t know how I’m supposed to feel about that.
I don’t know Pete Davidson, but I’ve heard of his dad Harley.