Reaction when you try to get out of plans but the person keeps rescheduling so you can make it.

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The car in front of me didn’t go when the light turned green, so I honked.

She mouthed “thank you.”

Okay, it wasn’t “thank”you, but I pretended it was.


Face it, wild horses could easily drag you away.

I mean, that miniature pony at the petting zoo could probably pull you for miles.


SON: do you HAVE to walk around in just underwear?

DAD: I will if I want. now get me a beer

SON: what aisle?

DAD: do I LOOK like I work here?


You’re how old?

*does quick math in head*

Ok! I’m not old enough to be your mom …lets do this!

-justifying a bad decision with math


[sees that my girlfriend from 3rd grade is getting married] Wow- you didn’t waste any time, did you Becky


Boss: Dan why is your hand raised?

Me: can I go to the bathroom?

Boss: Dan you’re 23. This is a business meeting

Me: so that’s a yes?


Am I flattered when a man hits on me? Yes, but I also saw that same man whispering sweet nothings to a piece of pecan pie the other day, so not too flattered.


Well your honor, I thought handing her the curling iron while she was showering would get her ready faster.


me: dinosaurs can’t jump

her: how do u know

me: they’re dead Linda