Read a magazine at the doctor’s office so I’m all caught up on Clinton running for president. I don’t think Bush can beat him.
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If you’re looking for an experimental couple, we’re trying a new chicken recipe tonight, hit us up.
Lola the dog and I have been exploring the new neighborhood, but only one of us took a big steaming dump on the neighbor’s yard.
She was mortified at my behavior but when you gotta go, you gotta go.
I got plans this weekend. Release the sundresses!!!!
*cleans house while wife’s out*
W: *walks in* wow babe, thanks so-
M: APRIL FOOL’S *runs around making huge mess til it’s worse than before*
I fell asleep at 3:45. My 5yo woke up at 6:30.
Use protection, young people.
me: hello darkness my old friend
darkness: friend is a strong word
I saw The Exorcist when I was 12 and when Father Karras asked Regan what his mother’s maiden name was and she boots pea soup all over him, a guy in the theater yelled ‘his mother’s name was Green’ and that was the first time I really understood what comic relief meant
constantly working on myself.
I mostly stopped responding to email three years ago and aside from various consequences it’s been fine
Doctor *as I wake up after an accident* I’m afraid your body’s in a terrible condition
Me: oh no
Doctor: and then you were in an accident
Does your wife know that you are in a relationship with your car?
Lately *certain* individuals have been making very hurtful remarks about my personal choice to wear mittens rather than gloves.
But I don’t like to point fingers.
[bar]
HER: wanna get outta here? *winks*
ME: hell ya
HER: whatya thinkin?
ME: lets go to my place and arm wrestle
HER: what?
ME: u scared?
god: i need you to build a death star
noah: uh, what’s a death star?
god: {flipping through his notes} oh, sorry, wrong story. i need you to build an ark…
[sitting on my couch eating matzah slathered in Nutella, watching Masterchef] wow I can’t believe he didn’t bake his cheesecake in a water bath
One time I brought my kids to work with me and now my boss is way more tolerant of my drinking.
Divorces should just be reverse weddings where you get pushed out of a church while your friends steal appliances from your home.
The only thing worse than watching a 30-minute cartoon is not watching it then listening to your kid’s 45-minute recap.
I bought iliteracy for dummies but I couldn’t make any sense of it
Me: I don’t run away from fear, I face it.
Flying cockroach: hahahahaha
When dealing with the police it’s important to always remain calm and be white.
[field sobriety test]
cop: stand with one foot off the ground and count 1001, 1002, and so on until I say stop
flamingo: oh hell yeah
Welcome to your 40s: see that kid over there dressed up like a cop, he’s actually 27, and he is a cop.
My husband did a load of dishes and folded a load of laundry and then complained that I didn’t even notice and I laughed so hard I almost coughed up a lung.
Her: Hey, I was just thinking about you.
Me: Isn’t it fun?
Me: And for my third wish…
Genie: You realize that Little Caesar’s pizza is very affordable, right?
King: and you’re sure ALL the horses are helping, right?
King’s man: [watching a dozen horses smash eggshells into dust with their hooves] define helping
The one closest to the sky is most likely to get eaten by the pterodactyl.
The spider I just killed with a napkin isn’t in the napkin, and now I’m in a circle of salt reciting incantations.
[At Restaurant]
Server: Hope you are hungry.
Me: I am
Server: Is this your first time?
Me: No, I’ve been hungry before.