Read about a 60 yr old woman wanting to swim from Florida to Cuba & felt inspired & wanted to help so I emailed her a picture of a boat
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NEW PARENTS: if your baby is still in diapers, make things simpler and safer by never having chocolate pudding in the house
“Taking candy from a baby” would actually be a responsible thing to do.
ME: *gives single fried shrimp to a blackjack dealer* one gambling please
I’ve asked a few people now what IDGAF stands for and I can’t say anyone’s replies have been that helpful.
I am laughing way too hard at this.
We had a pleasant conversation about how we hate talking to people and then he said that this is a good reason for us to…
Me: … fall in love?
Him: … stop talking to each other.
Sometimes when I pass by a stranger I like to whisper “I was just thinking the exact same thing”
date: what are you thinking about
me: fall should be spelled fa//
date:
me:
date: fell should be spelled fe_ _
*we kiss*
Me : It’s over & nothing you say will make me change my mind
Him : ‘I just ordered a large thin crust’
Me : Be there in 10 min
[first date]
me: they know me here
date: *reading sign on wall* “No Puppetry”?
me (proudly): I’m the reason they have that
Succinctly put.
FRIEND: you gotta go home and show your wife who’s boss
ME: damn right
[later]
ME: jen listen up *pulls out photo* this is my manager tim
“Hey buddy, you wanna buy a harmonica?” I opened my coat and got hit by a gust of wind, making the worst sound in the world
wife: I saw a baby on the way to work
me: how do you know?
wife: how do I know I saw a baby on the way to work?
me: yeah, did it have a tiny briefcase or something?
wife: what
I’ve done the math, and 97% of people who “light up a room” get murdered.
*looks at crushed dead raccoon on the side of the road* i’m thinking Arby’s™
Kids playing baseball in the backyard really hits home. Usually on a window.
When I was a kid I thought shrimp cocktails had alcohol in them and I thought it was such a weird way to get drunk
(Disney Dating Tips)
1.Kidnap Dad
2.Coerce Daughter
3.Awkward music-filled dates
4.Angry mob danger
5.Stockholm Syndrome
-Beauty & the Beast
Can we skip the sex and go straight to the sandwich?
Grapefruit – for when you want your food to taste like getting beaten up
teacher: are u a visual thinker, auditory thinker, or kinesthetic thinker
me: oh im not a thinker
[confession booth]
me: *sneezes*
priest: I’m not falling for that one again dan
How I handle confrontation:
Them: Aimee!?
Me: *falls to the ground*
*does the worm*
#milo
“I’m married to a raving lunatic.”
– Actual quote from my husband, yesterday, confiding in our neighbor’s golden retreiver.Joke’s on him. That dog tells me everything.
93% of men in the 1930s ate their lunch while sitting on the edge of scaffolding at the top of unfinished skyscrapers in New York city.
“I got a kitten and it scratches me a lot.”
-Lame
-basic
-victim mindset“I hired a tiny, freelance, in-house acupuncturist.”
-cool!
-impressive
-sounds wealthy
A cannibal passes a Girl Scout cookie stand. “How many girl scouts are these cookies made of?” he asks with a large smile on his face.
Sorry I yelled “chug it” to your baby, as you were breastfeeding.