@PaperWash

Read an article that said Google is making us dumber. whatever, I’ve always used Google and I’m super [googles synonym for smart] able.

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@kieransofar

me: the earth isn’t flat

fiat earther: correct

me: huh?

fiat earther: it’s the shape an italian car

me: what?

fiat earther: you read my name wrong didn’t you?

@IamEnidColeslaw

WELL OFFICER IF YOU DIDN’T WANT TO SEE ME MASTURBATING YOU SHOULDN’T HAVE PULLED ME OVER

@o__0Dev

The man in front of me is buying a pregnancy test. I bet this is the one time in his life, he wishes she sent him for tampons.

@hand_jive

Fact: If you ever blow me a kiss, I’m catching it and sticking it down my pants.

@joekjoek

How powerful must it feel for the dentist to start referring to your teeth by their secret “numbers” to the hygienist

@awordforaword

If the radius of a pizza is Z and the thickness is A, then the volume of pizza is PI x Z x Z x A. #asianshowingoff

@JennyJohnsonHi5

My mom asked me a question and when I went to answer she said, “Hold on I can’t hear you. I gotta turn on the light.” The dark was too loud?

@HelloJessicaFox

If you encounter a bear DON’T RUN. Maintain eye contact. Keep maintaining it. Fall in love. Marry the bear. Tell story to your grandbearbies

@TheRolo

[Ouija board]
Me: Demon?
I-W-I-L-L-E-A-T-Y-O-U-R-E-S-O-U-L

Me: *your

Y-O-U-K-N-O-W W-H-A-T-I-D-O-N-T-W-A-N-T-Y-O-U-R-S-O-U-L-A-N-Y-M-O-R-E

@BrickMahoney

Ways cats are like toddlers:

– They love unrolling toilet paper

– They eat from cat bowls

– They suck at doing my taxes

– Somehow they always find their way on top of the fridge