Read an article that said Google is making us dumber. whatever, I’ve always used Google and I’m super [googles synonym for smart] able.
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I read murder mysteries for complicated plot lines, well rounded characters, and creative yet practical alibis.
Yes I’m full of microplastics but it’s actually been helpful. It’s given me superpowers. I can communicate with Tupperware
I saw a TV for sale for only £1 because the volume button was stuck
Did I buy it?
Of course I did!
Well, I couldn’t turn it down
Could I?
A Roomba, but to shave my legs.
Netflix and explain what’s happening and who that guy is?
Sometimes I shock myself with the smart shit that comes out of my mouth then other times I try to start the microwave with my debit card PIN
Bruh 😭😭😭😭
Reality show idea: “So You Think You Can Touch Mike Tyson’s Nose.” Hidden camera. Tyson isn’t in on it.
Me: I’m so excited! I just planted my first Azalea.
Iggy: Help! Let me out of here!
Me: Hush! Flowers don’t talk silly.
[invention of history]
Well last time you said you didn’t need to write it down and we both know how that turned out.
I’ve never watched paint dry but I did watch Windows update for 5 years.
ME: The kids have ruined their shoes
WIFE: Again? [sighs] Just throw them out[Later]
ME: Stop crying kids, your mum says you have to leave
If your dog & your baby are fighting, it’s important to leave them to it so that a pack leader can be established.
can’t believe how far my ex is going to make me jealous. moving away, not talking to me for 10 years, getting married. nice try, idiot. it’s so obvious
Breakfast: 200 calories
Lunch: 500 calories
Dinner: 800 calories
Snack before bed: 15,000 calories
I asked my 3 year old why she was wearing a bathing suit to dinner as if I’ve never met a toddler before
I got fired from being the events coordinator at the local orphanage. I think it’s cause family day never really took off
Ryu: HADOUKEN. Ken: HADOUKEN. Ryu: HADOUKEN. Ken: HADOUKEN. Ryu: HADOUKEN. Ken: HADOUKEN. Ryu: HADOUKEN. Ken: HADOUKEN.
i feel sorry for people who say things like less is more because they’ve obviously never had sex or french fries
Please pray for my teen who forgot to jump and touch the doorframe before entering a room today
Them: dial 911!
Me: this thing can make calls?
Bailiff: Do you swear to tell the whole truth, so help you God?
Me: Yes, unless she asks me if she looks fat.
What fool called it a submarine chef and not a pressure cooker?
Gandalf: shadowfax, show us the meaning of haste!
Frodo: sweet he’s gonna do that the whole way right?
Gandalf:
Frodo: Gandalf tell me we’re riding this horse the whole way
Gandalf: on an unrelated note how many shoes did you pack?
*slips seductively out of shorts*
You know what that means…
*sleeps soundly for 7 hours*
*drools a little*
weird to have so little faith in humanity nowadays that a guy could be hurling Molotov cocktails at me from his car and I’d be ok with it if he’s using his turn signals
What did the drummer call his twin daughters?
Anna one, Anna two….
I’m still laughing .
“How can I help you?
Hi I’d like a root canal
“Are you a patient here?”
No
“Who referred you to us?”
No one
“Ok then why-”
I have a Groupon
Its really disgusting how other white people dont even know about the plight of [quickly wikipedias “Who is having alot of plight 2012]
Amazon Tracking:
1. We’re not sure it exists.
2. Your package has arrived.