Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If we start dating now, we could be feeding each other deviled eggs on Thanksgiving, and breaking up before we have to exchange gifts for Christmas.

girlfriend: I’m seeing someone behind your back

me: *believes in ghosts* is it my grandpa

*throws away a paper clip I haven’t used in 20 years*

[2 seconds later]

Shit I need a paper clip

Of course the five second rule is in effect, have you seen grocery prices?

In high school I wrote my crush a love note and signed it messy like a doctor, she loved it but thought it was my friend’s name.

Thanks to me they’ve been married for 17 years.

My son just suggested a foundation to bring young tortoises to important events so that 150 years later people can say “this tortoise witnessed Biden’s inauguration” etc

*uses Mr. Clean magic eraser to wipe off your drawn on eyebrows*

“Dad, what should I do if a strange man in a white van with no windows offers me candy?”

“Make sure you grab me a Snickers and a Reese’s cup.

It’s password awareness Friday.

Today I offer free consulting.

Send me a password and I tell you if it’s strong.

Thankful that Five-Fingered Shoes company doesn’t make pants.

As confused as an atheist who’s stuck behind a car that isn’t moving at a green light & has a bumper sticker that says ‘Honk if you love God

Me, trying to flirt with the Mormon missionary at my door:
No sir, have YOU heard the Good News? IT’S THAT I’M SINGLE.

John Lennon: Here I stand head in hand, Turn my face to the wall—

Me: um, it’s fine if you just count to 20 while we hide

Dude acted like he’s never seen a guy eating a rotisserie chicken in the hotel sauna before.

Medium: You want to contact your late husband?

Me: Yes.

Medium: How do you intend to pay for this?

Me: OMG it’s him.

Don’t hate me because I have an entire drawer in my fridge dedicated to cheese, hate me because it’s organized according to expiration date.

“Dad, you called me my brother’s name.”

I’m sorry *30 second pause* little dude.

🤣🤣🤣

People judge public housing, but it’s cheap and your neighbors sell you drugs so I’m not sure I see the problem…

I shit my pants last week, which is crazy because I’m usually more of a toilet guy.

I’m not upset that you stopped my sneeze. I’m upset because you made my face look stupid for no reason.

I decided to become a dad when I noticed how many kids never finish their nuggets.

“Come to me flesh of my flesh”.

*embarrassing teenagers is easy.

I’m like the hottest girl on this elevator.

Never mind, someone else just got on.

i was just about to start being a good person but then i got mildly inconvenienced

Don’t bring a knife to a gun fight. Also, no outside food, they are so strict about that.

VEGETARIAN FRIEND: Can you believe these “mashed potatoes” are actually cauliflower?!?

ME: Yes. They taste like cauliflower. All of the things you make with cauliflower taste like cauliflower.

Boss: My door is always open
Me: I know and it makes it really hard for me to leave work early

If I had a dollar for every time I messed something up at work, I’d be salaried and at my current level of compensation