Read It and Weep: A Book on How to Cry
You Might Also Like
Jesus: No one pours old wine into new wineskins…
Home DIY YouTuber: SURE YA CAN, HERE’S HOW TO DO IT RIGHT AT HOME IN FIVE EASY STEPS! ALSO, DON’T FORGET TO SMASH THAT LIKE BUTTON AND BE SURE TO SUBSCR
Etsy is cool. One time I bought a ghost
I am less the girl you take home to meet your mother and more the girl you take to meet your psychiatrist.
Jesus “I will come back to judge the living and the dead”…. But until then, I’ll appear in dirty ceilings and toast”
I’m never more aware of a room’s acoustics than when I’m trying to enjoy a snack I have no intention of sharing.
My son just let a girl “borrow” his hoodie.
Should I tell him now or let him learn?
What idiot called him Frosty the Snowman and not Bill Brrrr?
Her: We had the baby! She is 7lbs 3oz, born at 9:08am. We’ll be naming her tomorrow.
Me: Tomorrow is a terrible name for a baby, tbh.
It just isn’t as fun to rob banks any more.
Every one hides their keys under a rock, it’s way too obvious folks.
Instead, try hiding it somewhere no one will ever expect, like in an active wasp nest or in your dogs mouth.
Sometimes I lay awake at night and ask myself, why don’t I have a hedgehog?
flash mobs for serving divorce papers
Interviewer: So, why do you want to work here?
Me: Well, I don’t really want to “work” here, per se…I just really need the paychecks.
HER: What kind of music do you like?
ME: Hm. Imagine dragons.
HER: Okay.
ME: Cool. Now imagine them playing banjos with their claws.
if I wasn’t supposed to grow up to want a sugar daddy why did we base an entire holiday around a much older man bringing me presents for being a good girl
[whispering to my wife with tears in my eyes as we watch our daughter’s piano recital] She’s terrible
Son: Mom, there’s a monster under my bed.
Me: how long has he been there? he better cough up some rent money
Does the thirty minutes of cardio have to be all at once or can you spread it out over fifty years?
10 out of 10 babies hate my baby launcher
I hate when people use words without knowing the meaning…gives me a huge hysterectomy on the side of my head.
911: What is your emergency.
M: I need to report a home invasion. This woman looks like my mother in law but she’s smiling. Please hurry.
It’s like ten thousand followers when all you need is an emergency contact.
Not to brag, but I remember to take the cap off of a water bottle 75% of the time before taking a drink.
With inflation, it would be Mambo No. 6.59 in 2013
Siri, tell me what these manicure ladies are saying about me.
Day One living in a Tiny House: Well, isn’t this quaint?
Day Two: Murder
Landlords be like “it’s an old building” alright then I’ll pay old rent, here’s 20 bucks it’s a fortune
Pro tip: No matter how much you hate wrapping, never ask your wife to wrap her own Christmas presents.
70% of being married is just wondering which of us is going to benefit from the life insurance.
Him: this pie is delicious! Is it a family recipe?
Me: yes, and you’ll never guess the secret weapon
Him: you mean secret ingredient?
*catapult launching sound*