Read that again implies that I read it a first time, which I most certaintly did not.
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Sorry I used the word flaccid twice in your wedding toast.
Day 2 without sports:
Found a young lady sitting on my couch yesterday. Apparently she’s my wife. She seems nice.
“fool me once, shame on u. fool me once, shame on u. fool me once, shame on u” – a goldfish 🙁
Woke up thinking I’d look good in yellow.
Nope, looks like I was eaten by a shredded wheat box.
Me: 4, watch this! *eats hard boiled egg in one bite*
4, unamused: Now do it with the shell on.
I wonder if black ants and red ants have beef. I never see them chilling together. Ever.
If a turkey got murdered, the chalk outline would look like a giant preschooler’s hand.
Twitter has ruined my chance at a political career.
Thank goodness.
Her: I could tell you, but I’d have to kill you
*she stabs me
Me:..but…you…didn’t…tell…me
She: Yes I did. You never listen.
My beach vacation Google searches
ladies and gentlemen this is your captain speaking, please fasten your seatbelts i wanna try something
When I undress there is a radiant shower that falls. Not of money or glitter, but of dog hair.
Me: *applying flea treatment* Good boy
Cat: Meow {you’ve made a powerful enemy today}
M: Nearly done now
C: Meow! {oh I’m deffo gonna shit in your shoe}
M: All finished
C: MEOW {and I think a bird’s head in your bed, too}
M: Aw, I love you too, Mr Tiddles
Your Scooby Doo Villain Name is “old” plus your gender plus your last name.
Birds of a feather flock together, as they are racists too.
Me to my dog: Stop barking now.
My dog: BUT EVERYTHING IS A FOX!
Me: It’s ok.
Dog: I WILL PROTECT YOU, IDIOT!
I loved being in high school when the pinnacle of fashion was wearing a secondhand oversized flannel over your black spaghetti strap tank top
Jesus: Go forth. You are now fishers of men.
Peter: *harpoons a guy*
Jesus: Too literal, bro.
[First day as a Vegan]
Me: *pouring soy sauce in milk*
This is awful.
hate sitting down at my favorite diner and having the waitress i’ve known for 15 years come to pour me coffee but i notice that her usually steady hand is shaking, tipping me off to a hostage situation that i will be forced to resolve with a combination of guile and violence
I constantly see other people’s jobs they’re doing or have done and think “psshhh, I could do that better” like artists, photographers, dog walker, giraffe masseuse, water boy at a bath house, monkey tickler, Seth Greens personal high fiver, Doctor of Thuganomix.
Having a pet is basically just asking “how did you get so cute?” followed by “why are you wet?” 6 or 7 times a day.
my lawyer: deny everything
me: no
*enters contest*
Contest: “Wrong hole.”
me: how much is this cordless mouse?
pet store employee: that’s a hamster
Sorry I missed your call, the frogs had my phone again.
“Why won’t you loan a neighbor a cup of sugar?”
[ sigh ] “You’re a pile of ants wearing a bathrobe.”
[ bathrobe sags dejectedly ]
doctor: I’ll need you to remove your underpants
me: *taking underpants off my head* fine
Whenever someone calls me, instead of texting, I just assume they’ve had a horrific accident and have lost the use of their fingers & thumbs
scarlet joe hanson sounds like an old timey boxer’s name. “weighin’ in at 182 lbs, 5’9″, the ol’ black widow, scarlet jooooooe hansen!”