“Read that again”
No thanks, it sucked the first time.
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I draw dicks on my face every Sunday night so my co-workers think I have a social life.
[dracula slapping mosquito]
holy shit that really IS annoying
You say potato, I say get the hell out of my bathroom
Hansel and Gretel is my favorite story about eating children.
Pro tip…Excessive use of alcohol can cause memory loss or worse memory loss.
MR. PEANUT: so you expect me to help sell members of my own kind to be eaten by humans?
BOSS: yeah. you get to wear a top hat and a monocle tho
MR. PEANUT: throw in some gloves and a cane and you’ve got yourself a deal
I live in constant fear that my kids will grasp the concept of time at any moment. And all my parenting lies will be found out.
[packing for work trip]
“Honey, where is our business ketchup?”
oh, internet, you didn’t even exist when this happened to me. every weekend.
[Date]
ME: I hope you like your wine dry
HER: But of cour- umm that’s just a glass of raisins
ME: *mouth full of raisins* it’s weally dwy
Seeing all this inclusion on TV and movies now is making me feel like I grew up in the 1800s…when only my knees did
[Me as a Sunday school teacher]
…then on the third day Odin went to Valhalla so that warriors who died in battle would have eternal life.
Should the hole from my vaccination shot be beeping a day later?
Well well well…
The husband came home from work, handed me a package and said “I bought you a new toilet seat.”
I took the package and said “yay!” without sarcasm.Sincerely,
18 years of marriage.
I’m reexamining my life after buying 63 pounds of unsalted butter because it seems a little weird even by my standards
People that start a sentence with “Now I’m not trying to be rude” are either about to be rude, or about to sing Ignition by R Kelly.
I believe it is important to be an organ donor, which is why I am willing to donate my second chin to anyone missing a chin.
*grabbing my own shoulders and shaking myself* PLEASE, for the love of god, just tell me what you want
You don’t realize how old a movie is until you see the computer in it
I let a Pasta Chef borrow my car and he returned it all denty
“Don’t look a gift horse in the mouth,” I whisper as I discover my strange mole is actually a half melted chocolate chip.
*Middle of dinner*
My kid: Can I have a snack?
Me: New outfit?
Wife: This old thing? I’ve had it for…
Me: The bank sent me an alert on my phone.
Wife: …minutes.
Masseuse (whispers in my ear): Hey baby, would you like a happy ending?
Me: [flashback to end of Infinity Wars] Yes, please
Mike Pence has a strong resume, including Governor of Indiana and Shawshank Prison Guard. #VPDebate
[holding an acorn]
“do you still love me?”
Wife yells outside-
“that’s not even the same squirrel as yesterday!”“Shaddup you!”
grandmas are always like “not enough meat on your bones” the only reasonable explanation being that at a certain age every grandma starts giving serious thought to cooking her family and eating them
Oh, I’ll take your precious “bribe” but you should be ashamed of yourself. Also, thanks.