*reading* 160 calories *thinking* Let me break it down to see how much I should eat. *reading and thinking* The can is 14.2 ounces, the serving size is 245 grams and the servings per container are about 3.
And we wonder why America is getting fat.
MATH
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It’s a comfort knowing Dad is looking down on me, but we should probably cut his hang-glider out of that tree one of these days.
I got hit on by a 23 yr old today, like wtf am I supposed to do with her? Give her lunch money?
my boss said “why is your shirt untucked” and I said “bc my pants are tucked into my shirt” and now i’m the sales manager
Paris Hilton is suddenly a DJ?
Well. Then I’m a dragon.
A selfie stick is very useful…..
.. as a prod to keep people out of your personal space.
It’s called an orgasHIM not an orgasHER
If happiness is a moving target and I’ve been chasing it all my life, why am I fat?
My glasses are dirty but I don’t want to move from the couch so I guess TV’s blurry from now on
[buying groceries]
me: do you think Jeff Bezos’ divorce will impact this place at all?
Whole Foods clerk: nah probably not
[1 year later]
Half Foods clerk: ok so I was wrong
Going to church doesn’t necessarily make you a nice person… It does, however, make you sleepy.
Accidentally used the dog’s shampoo today, and I’m feeling like such a good girl.
PMS is no joke, you guys. I just ate like three bags of Reese’s Pieces.
Oh, and my wife’s really being a bitch.
[Arby’s]
Me: This horsey sauce barely tastes like horse at all
Mgr: *adding horse shavings* Tell me when
Bitcoin. Toothurt.
I remember when people just wanted to date someone with personality..but noOoo, now everyone’s gotta have multiple.
Just saw an Orca shoplifting at Target
I’m not dramatic but my money has to be facing all the same way and right side up, otherwise the world will explode.
What if we made sidewalks into trampolines? Fun and springy to walk on, and if someone looks at you wrong you can always bounce them into tomorrow.
In order to get my nephews up and ready for church in a timely manor, I told them we were going to Disneyland…
They’ll be SO surprised!
Is this a threat?
two loaves, one loaf
two elves, one elf
two leaves, one leaf
two hooves, one hoof
two gloves, one glofno more questions
People aren’t pleased if you try to turn a regular funeral into a viking funeral. They’re all like “put down the lighter” and “who are you?”
Avocado: not ripe
Avocado: not ripe
Avocado: not ripe
Avocado: I’M RIPE NOW
Avocado: okay you were in the bathroom so I rotted
Yo. Real shit. Just bcause you went and got your logo printed on some t-shirts, that does NOT mean you have a clothing company. U got shirts
Y’all it’s so wild to call a pharmacy and they ask for the date of birth and I’m like he is a cat I have no idea I found him in a shelter his name is James Dumpling you got his pills or???
Every time I get a paper cut, I know somewhere a tree is laughing.
i installed a ceiling fan in my room
My girlfriend told me I was getting sex today. Oops. I better not jinx it.
*knocks on morning wood*
Writers should get a direct line to the FBI so we can call them and give them a heads up when we’re googling ways to poison someone but just for a story.
Laundry needs to be put away.
I look at the basket.
The basket looks at me.
Old western shoot our music looms in the background.