Reading a magazine waiting at the checkout and was told, “this is not a library”, so I read it out loud.
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JESUS (hitting snooze): Just three more days.
Nobody mentions the strain your marriage experiences when your spouse starts experimenting with turtle necks.
Usually I have to go faster than 30 for that to happen
Mary: I’m pregnant
Joseph: but how you’re a virgin
Mary: oh god
Joseph: okay makes sense
Lifeguard 1: How was your day?
Lifeguard 2: Sad, I saw a bear in lake
1: How is that sad?
2: He could bearly swim!
1:..
2: He ate 3 campers
Going to start punching people in the face who say fight me. Words mean things, Paul.
by age 35 you should hate at least 4 neighborhood kids
be the person your targeted ads think you should be
I consider myself reasonably intelligent but I cannot process How to Play Complex Board Games. You all sound like, “and then if you roll a level-up glitter cabbage you get 6.5 ergometric points, which can be used every 4th turn as long as no one has zorped the Cones of Dunshire”
I’m not saying that I’m clueless. But I just realized that the guy that told me 8 years ago “I don’t like your pants, you should take them off *wink* ” was flirting with me.
waiter: we don’t allow giraffes in here sir
me: I’m not a giraffe
waiter: I know I’m just telling you
As part of our environmental commitment, we recycled* 84 tons of aluminium, 6 tons of rubber, 5 tons of glass and 14 miles of wiring just this morning alone.
*a plane missed the runway
*first day as crime scene investigator*
*Removes sheet covering victim*
*replaces it with a sheet that has pockets*
*instantly becomes new favourite of all my female coworkers*
Bedtime:
Brush teeth
Put on pjs
Read
Turn off light
Put them back in bed
Put them back in bed
Threaten everything they love
Put them back
We get it. If your candidate doesn’t win in November, you’re moving to the whitest English speaking country you can drive to.
Overheard a couple in this restaurant fighting, so I fake proposed to my wife to add a lil fuel to that fire.
Captain: Did you break the sonar again?
Me: Yessir. I’m sorry
Captain: This is why we can’t have nice pings
It’s dumb to call the Super Bowl winner “World” Champions. With all these UFOs they should be called Intergalactic Champions
Beef jerky is great for when you want a healthy, hearty snack and you hate twenty dollars
Me, when there’s an errand that lets me leave the house when everyone is acting crazy:
I got told once that “I don’t drink alcohol at company events and people find it off putting.” Then I pulled up the company manual saying “No drinking at company events.”
“Platitude” is short for “platypus attitude”.
My daughter actually submitted this feedback at school. Not sure if I should ground her or buy her ice cream…
Me: But nothing comes out when you move your lips just a bunch of gibberish, you mother fu-
Friend: WHAT ARE YOU SAYING TO MY BABY?!
[sees giant spider in house]
[tells girlfriend “I got this”]
[slowly rolls up magazine]
[uses magazine as megaphone & yells out the window “SAVE US!!”]
a broth-er is the best relative to help you make soup
You can just make up words and if you say them in a Scottish accent, people will think they’re real:
Looka the wee janglers on that tary bibbit.
Me: Why won’t my friends talk to me anymore
Also me: I’m hummuspilled. I’m going chickpea mode. I’m in my garbanzo era.
Early Bird: *gets worm*
Late Bird: *snacking on Doritos*
Early Bird: SONOFA
Sea Turtle: humans keep trying to touch me while I’m swimming.
God: it could be worse.
Sea Turtle: how?
God: tell him crab.
Crab: my legs are delicious.
God: [nods] his legs are delicious.