Reading about how much Daniel Craig hates Bond is like The Pope Visiting Kim Davis all over again.
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My boss is having a colonoscopy today.
I sure hope they find his head.
If I’ve said it once, I’ve said it a thousand times: “I can’t keep track of how often I say things.”
I just figured out the name of a song that had been stuck in my head for a month, and it felt like dislodging a popcorn kernel the size of a ping pong ball from my teeth.
[dinner party at spooky castle]
host: so NONE of you will leave here tonight..
guests: *gasp*
host: ..without a HUG!
me irl
(Me on trampoline outside your bedroom window)
WhyDid
You
Unfollow
Me?
knowledge is knowing the difference between ‘poisonous’ and ‘venomous’
wisdom is not arguing with your partner about it when they’ve been bitten by a snake
My thoughts are with you but my prayers are reserved for Kelly on FB that’s cooking a casserole for the first time.
What about “BusinessMyspace”? Nah, it’s taken. Okay, what about “LinkedIn”?
9-1-1 help, someone buried me alive *looks at phone* christ, and there’s no wifi
ADAM: [rummaging through a pile of leaves] EVE, HAVE YOU SEEN MY WORK CLOTHES, HONEY?
a haunted house called blood bath & beyond
[seafood restaurant]
CHEF: where are my shellfish?!
ME: *sneaking Prawn Solo and Luke Sidewalker out the door* quick, the rebel alliance needs you
I wish I could lose weight as easily as I lose my glasses
I have a picture of my uncle standing on a tank he and two buddies destroyed in WWII. I cut my fingernails too short and I might stay home.
I purposely park three feet away from the drive thru window so Mcdonalds employees can get in their daily stretches.
Indiana Jones and that one time he went to his actual job
Wife: I’m home.
Me: [reading the Bible] hey Babe! did you know First Corinthians chapter 13, verses 4-7 states love is patient, love is kind-
Wife:
Me: [still reading ] -it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs…
Wife: what did you do?
Nothing says “I m not interested” quite as loudly as showing up for a date
I’ve come to the terms with the fact that finding stuff in the refrigerator is not one of my life skills. Our entire fridge could be made out of roast beef and I will ask you where the roast beef is.
I put my pants on just like everyone else.
When the manager at Chili’s asks me to.
Some coworkers sign emails with “cheers” or “sincerely” followed by their names but I typically use “you’ve made a powerful enemy today.”
ME: funny how there’s no 13th floor to avoid bad luck
WIFE: yeah, but also, this is a three-storey building
Predator reluctantly turning off it’s cloaking technology so it can wash it’s hands at a sensor faucet
Why don’t we just stick an “a” in there and finally start calling it what it is…. “Moanday”
It’s not really family vacation until everyone is crying because of sun poisoning, you’ve lost at least 3 bikini tops in the ocean, and your spouse is just staring off into nowhere regretting all decisions that led up to this point in life
That clothes store that catered to old people 20 years ago is suddenly catering to me now. Wild.
Yeah yeah “Friends with Benefits” are cool but have you tried “Friends with Batteries”? Less drama!
Hot mothers in your area want you to text them to let them know you got home ok.
Me: you may find this hard to believe but I have been fooled several times.
Them: No we get that.