reading Agatha Christie has ruined me for all other books. there are no murders in the first chapter? a child isn’t offed at a Hallowe’en party? nobody falls in love on a train? rewrite this please
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You kids and your fancy Google searches. This World Book Encyclopedia got me through all six years of high school.
2 things lotion won’t let you do when it’s on your hands because it’s evil:
1) escape the bathroom
2) open a beer
“Enjoying your day off?” – what Jewish people say to each other on Christmas.
5: im so bored
me: you can go empty the trash cans, put your bike away, clean the kitchen
5: im not very bored though
CORONAVIRUS: I can’t believe these humans aren’t taking me seriously just because they’re not in imminent personal danger right this second
CLIMATE CHANGE, SMOKING AN ABSOLUTELY ENORMOUS BLUNT:
It’s cute that kids think they’re safer with the light on, when actually it makes you more vulnerable and easier to spot.
My wife caught me looking at a seagull at the beach so now we’re in this big fight.
My parallel parking skills are unparalleled.
Life is as good or as bad as you make it. Take responsibility for your choices, including how you feel about a situation. And breathe.
I’m a great babysitter. If you’re interested, I can offer an above 95% survival rate.
During the course of some 36 films, did it ever occur to anyone that maybe Godzilla deserves a “good boy” once in a while?
You have a better chance of being struck by lightning than going to McDonald’s when the ice cream or shake machine is working
*after five days of storms with record rainfall remembers to turn off sprinkler system*
*grass dies due to lack of water*
Stuffed animals are strange like an actual tiger will tear you to pieces but here ya go kid, sweet dreams.
Yelp review: This forest is so full of trees you can’t see a damn thing. Also, bugs. 0/10
you always think you have the “dateline” story figured out in the first 20 minutes. but then someone goes jogging.
That fire is totally ignoring the no-smoking sign
my cat frankie loves this weird ugly chair that came with my apartment. it’s gotta be one of his top 3 favorite spots to chill or sleep and probably like every third time i walk in and find him there i go “chairman of the board over here” but he never laughs
The possibility of there being cake will greatly affect my interest and/or possible involvement.
DAD: when your grandpa died we planted that tree so we don’t forget him
ME: cool
[later]
TREE: You still remember grandpa chuck?
ME: yeah
TREE: cool just checkin
i balance snacking with exercise by placing a bowl of chips on the roomba and following it around the house
Don’t we all.
The neighbours that overlook my garden must be religious. They’re always buying me pants with notes saying ‘for the love of God please wear these’.
People who hit Reply All to 20+ recipients and then say, “Thanks!”–please know, you are going to Hell. Nothing can save you. Nothing.
He hid my gift in the laundry room in hopes that I wouldn’t find it
“Please be aware that this call may be recorded for training purposes”
-companies that obviously provide no training
You don’t serve tuna do you?
“No sir, we don’t serve fish here”
*A family of tuna in fake mustaches whistles innocently at another table*
i know an apple a day keeps the doctor away but what can i do about the rest of these people?
Women in romance books: I know I just met him 3 days ago but I am in love with him.
Me: We’ve been dating for 8 years and I guess I like you.
“Mmm, tastes just like chicken!”
-My 6 year old eating a piece of chicken