[reading an e-book]
ME: Nice.[reading an eeeEeeeeEeeeee-book]
DOLPHIN: Nice.
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Cement your reputation as the office Romeo by committing suicide over an underage girl you’ve been seeing for less than a week.
[movie theater]
TRAILER ANNOUNCER: how far will one man go…..to protect what he loves
ME: [turning to person behind me] pretty far i bet
My cat looks at me like “I would have been a god in ancient Egypt, I’ll have you know”.
Driving with my son in the car, I’m singing at the top of my lungs.
He looks over at the lady next to us at the stoplight, rolls down his window & yells, “WILL YOU BE MY MOM?”
I’m a little offended but fingers crossed!
Thinking about this 37 year old baby from a flight safety brochure
When you have kids, you’ll see them fighting with each other a lot but you’ll also occasionally see them show genuine signs of love and friendship. Those moments are so beautiful and they happen just before the kids start fighting with each other again.
What my husband said: How about you run to Target for cleaning supplies and I’ll hang with the kids
What I heard: How about you run to Target alone so you have the freedom to spend this months mortgage payment on unnecessary home decor and a 2020 calendar that you’ll never use
WAITER: would you like to try the chef’s special, tender snow crab?
ME [getting defensive]: maybe but there’s no reason for name calling
Tip from my mom:
Always wear your bathrobe when at home.
Then if somebody stops by unexpectedly you’re “just about to hop in the shower”.
*phone rings*
Yoda: Yoda
Luke: WTF VADER’S MY DAD?
Y: Uh
L: And you knew & told me to kill him?
Y:
L:
Y: Going thru a tunnel I am
*hangs up*
this is the best interaction on twitter
4: mama, I lost my pet rock. I need it. you HAVE to find it!
me: well, where did you have it last?
4: outside
I have discovered that theirs no popcorn in popcorn chicken. I guess there’s no point in bothering with hash browns then.
me: I’d like to buy that lady at the end of the bar a drink
judge: no
Me: *crying*
Tween: *crying*
Husband: I thought you two were doing math homework together.
Me: We are.
Why don’t they make Neapolitan ice cream but with 3 better flavors?
purely hypothetical question, just for fun: what should somebody do if they have to dispose of many human bones?
I think I may have screwed up. When I saw on here how the ladies liked the dad bod I went and got 3.
I’ve tried everywhere so I can confirm that there is no snooze button on a baby.
6: Dad what’s a Kardashian?
Me: Nobody really knows…
6: Sounds really stupid
Me: I love you
Just stood on my porch and screamed “STOP IT!” at the top of my lungs and two doors over someone yelled back “K”.
It was thirty seconds til daybreak
I waited patiently
And then it dawned on me
I planted a whole garden full of bird seed this year and not one bird came up. I quit.
Responding to all selfies with “this should work.”
Shouting “Shotgun” will get you the front seat of a car or a heap of cash if you whisper it to a cashier.
[Judge] everyone is here, the new court reporter is ready, we may begin
[Me, nervously] wait did he say REPORTER? i thought it was–
[Lawyer] ladies and gentlemen of the jury…
[Me, sweating] *starts playing hot cross buns*
I don’t have a go-bag, but if I did, it would contain absolutely everything I could possibly need and I would leave it at home.
guys I was hanging out at a coffeeshop/bar/restaurant and you’ll never guess what but a perfect strawman of my political enemies presented a well-constructed example of why they suck, within earshot of where I was sitting!
It may be autocorrect, but I’m excited to see how this plays out when I drive my friend to pickup her satan wedding dress.
Does anybody know what date Easter is this year? And if so, what are you, obsessed with Easter