[reading bedtime stories]
Daughter: what’s his name?
Me: spot.
Daughter: what’s her name?
Me: daisy.
Daughter: what’s his name?
Me: [sigh] I don’t know, brian.
Wife: what are you reading?
Me: 101 Dalmatians.
Wife: lol [closes door].
Daughter: what’s his na-
You Might Also Like
If Godzilla invades your town and starts stomping down buildings, the best course of action would probably be to lead him to the Lego store
Give one 6 year old $100 for its birthday and suddenly you’re invited to every party in town…I know what I’m doing.
If I don’t make this right hand turn going exactly 3 mph, the entire universe will explode & everyone will die.
– the lady in front of me
Due to personal reasons, I’ll only act surprised by the same information 7 times tops
They should get rid of red light cameras and replace them with big walls that pop up at the intersection that you slam into if you run the light
I wear a ski mask wherever I go but only rob ski resorts. It’s quite ingenious really. Let me explain…
Raccoons always look like they are in the middle of telling a story about how big something was.
I like big rolls of toilet paper. Mega roll? Not good enough. I want the roll to protrude into the next room. I want there to be a danger I may become trapped beneath it. I want two burly men in herringbone driver’s caps to wrestle the new roll into place twice a year
I yelled “STOP EATING CAT TURDS OR IT WILL HURT WHEN YOU POOP!” & my dog stopped eating, so if you need a motivational speaker contact me
“Can you get my water, Mom?”
— My child, still in possession of the perfectly healthy legs I spent 9 months growing for him.
I should have grown him some Go Go Gadget arms.
An egg with 28 followers says I’m not funny. So if you need me, I’ll just be in the kitchen making an omelette.
the worst pressure is when you’re replying to a text with a word you can’t spell and you know they’re going to wonder why it took you 5 minutes to type “I’ll bring hors d’oeuvres”
“How is this grilling you?” – mom’s 44th question
People who think being an aunt is some kind of “easy,” fun, responsibility-free way to spend time with kids REALLY do not understand how hard it is to open a child-locked drawer
My husband walked into the kitchen and asked, “What’s burning?” I told him, “The world. But what you smell is the chicken.”
Never let the fear of failure keep you from failing.
*kermit plays slayer on his banjo. a marsh pit breaks out*
It’s weird that Usher doesn’t have ANY songs about showing people to their seats…
police bust open my trunk. it’s full of potatoes. i’ve done nothing wrong.
3: *tries a new thing, screams and fights, finally does the thing, cries that he’s done
Absolutely no one:
3: that was SO MUCH FUN, we have to do it again soon!!!!
[friend at his party] I think we’re just gonna keep spotify on for awhile
[me with a harmonica imprint in my pocket] cool my lips hurt anyway
My kid just announced that when he’s a grown up he’s going to go to the ice cream shop every day, and now I want to be a grown up too
remember when i met that guy in the club and i asked what he did and he said “i work in subway” and i spent all night asking about sandwich fillings and different breads and the next day i found out he had actually said software not subway. that was a fun and sexy time for me
Thinking about writing my own eulogy because I don’t want my loved ones saying I’m a control freak.
According to the 25th Amendment, if the President is incapacitated, the Vice President becomes the executive producer of “The Apprentice.”
Google maps is like, “in 8.4 miles, stay on the road you’re on.”
waiter: wine?
date: I don’t drink
waiter: water?
me: she said she doesn’t drink pal
i love how when someone asks what your favourite books are your brain does this sparkly little twirl and helpfully deletes every book you’ve ever read from your memory
If a woman looks sad, tell her “You’d be pretty if you smiled more” and you won’t see her looking sad anymore because you will be dead.
HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc i never listen to u
HER: yes
ME: k see u tonight