[reading death threat]
*shrugs* Anyone with spelling this bad would definitely botch a murder.
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I asked my doctor if I’m healthy enough for sex and he told me I’m not even sexy enough for health.
Be nice to people on your way up so they won’t get suspicious when you’re rich and you invite them to your island to hunt them for sport.
“Have you considered living on campus?” I ask.
“For a school that’s 30 minutes away? That’s crazy.” My 17 year old answers.
I eat my chili from a small ice cream bowl with an oversized serving spoon (because all of our dishes are in his room) as I stare sadly out the window.
Do not ask me to cheer you up. I will take you to a bar and ruin both our lives
Whoever put the ‘b’ in subtle was a clever bastard.
she’s a 10 but excel thinks she’s an October
Yes, I put a semicolon in a tweet. What else am I supposed to do with my English degree?
If I was an outlaw in the Wild West, my face would be on unwanted posters
Schrödinger: How’s my cat, Doc?
Vet: I have good news and bad news..
My son wants a pet pig so if he asks the ham he ate for dinner last week was pterodactyl meat.
Them: The meek shall inherit the earth
the meek: *looks around* umm, I’m good
My neighbor, when something bad happens to me: Remember, everything happens for a reason.
Me, when my neighbor’s packages are mistakenly delivered to me: [whispers] This was meant to be.
Me: “I peed three times last night”
Her: “Don’t you hate getting up and going to the bathroom?”
Me: “Getting up?”
wife: i think the zoo is closing.
me: pff how are they going to make us leave?
(lions roaring in the distance)
“The powder |
“The pow|
“The power |
“The power of Cheese |
“The power of Ch|
“The power of Christ compels you!”– The AutocorrExorcist
awesome that january is over but rude that our reward for getting through january is… february
I bet da Vinci told Mona Lisa to smile more and that’s why he’s dead now.
He was a skater boy, half shark/alligator boy
-Dr. Octavril Lavigne
Han: Leave us alone, you fat slug!
Jabba: *speaks Huttese*
C-3PO: The mighty Jabbs says your words are hurtful. He has a thyroid problem.
customer: I’d like to buy a bagel with cream cheese
me: sorry, we only take cash
manager: can I talk to you
*Rubs a Sausage Egg McMuffin on my wrists and behind my ears*
‘Sup
Told my teen “I love you” when I dropped her off at school this morning and she replied “Thank you”
So if history has taught me anything, she’s probably leaving me for another mom soon.
Shower sex be like:
Interviewer: *looking at my resume* says here you’re an “aspiring side piece”?
Me: that’s my 5 year plan, within 10 years I hope to be murdered in a jealous rage. You know, before the air quality gets too too bad…
*sees a baby deer drinking from a stream*
*very quietly pulls out phone*
*likes Ice-T on Facebook*
ANGEL: *creates alligator*
ANGEL’S BROTHER: *creates crocodile*A: *creates dolphin*
AB: *creates porpoise*A: *creates llama*
AB: *creates alpaca*A: *creates ostrich*
AB: *creates emu*A: quit copying me
AB: qUiT cOpYiNg mEA: i’m telling god
AB: i’M TeLLiNg gOd
[at airport Subway]
One footlong before my flight to Zurich
“American or Swiss?”
I’m flying Swiss
“I mean for cheese?”
No, for business
Other people are gettin these amber alerts, right? Like, it’s not up to me to find these kids?
Psychologist: so.. you study rocks?
Proctologist: no