[reading dinosaur book]
8YR OLD: that’s a pterodactyl
ME: actually sweetie, it’s a pteranodon…pterodactyl is a pterosaur genus
8: how did you ever get laid?
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Ladies, if you don’t want to answer a question from a guy, say, “I already TOLD you. You never listen.”
We have no idea if you’re lying.
nothing prepares you for when your sweet sensitive gentle eight year old son calls you “bruh” for the first time
My husband lost a bet and has to wash the dishes for a month, and I just got a credit card alert that someone just spent $200 at Costco.
If that man walks in the door with $200 of paper goods, I’m making it 2 months.
I took my kids to the playground and now they want me to push them on the swings. Jesus Christ, haven’t I done enough?
Keep ignoring my texts and I swear to God I’ll leave a voicemail.
Yesterday the vet asked if our cat was sleeping too much and I wondered if they knew she was, in fact, a cat.
Wore my hair in a ponytail to Walmart
and 4 people asked me to defend them
in Drug Possession Cases.Court starts Monday.
Interviewer: Tell me about your future plans.
Me: You mean, like, just tomorrow, or for, like, the whole weekend?
What does Mario spend all those gold coins on? He has one outfit, travels by foot & lives in the sewer
7yo: “Who’s singing this?” Me: “Franz Ferdinand.” 7yo: “But, he died in 1914.” Me:
Woke up in middle of night to write down something pressing and important.
*checks notes*
“Some form of ancient mop”.
“You scratch my back and I’ll scratch yours.”
Me: Are you sure you passed dermatology school?
one time my cousin greg put on two jean jackets and he exploded, there was mustache everywhere
I just accidentally ordered a $300 bottle of wine on this cruise and now my wife is thinking of throwing me overboa
My Dr. told me about a new med he wanted me to try and offered that there are some sexual side effects to which I replied “yeah I don’t do that!” instead of nodding quietly like a normal human.
Wish a poltergeist would move in so there’d be someone else to blame when I lose my shit.
Is there a bravery award I can nominate my son for as he managed to eat his toast despite the fact I cut it wrong.
describing stardew valley
*Playing pirates with my kids
“I bet if we photo copy the CD cover and use it, we can sell these for more”
You don’t know your own leg strength until you’re kicking the end of a Hotel tucked bed sheet
Pros and cons of doing something you love:
Pros: It’s something you love
Cons: Doing.
I lifted up my t-shirt to check out my abs and last night’s taco residue fell out so there’s that.
Being on vacation with kids is a great reminder why you should never be on vacation with kids.
*dusts off treadmill*
Alright, that’s enough cardio for one day.
The human body is 90% water, so we’re basically just cucumbers with anxiety.
Good cop: Ok relax. We are just gonna ask you a few questions
Fashion police: Who are you wearing, you piece of shit?
Your mom doesn’t understand
Your dad doesn’t understand
Your friends don’t understandBut french fries, french fries understand you
Wanting to be funny is a disease. Why am I spending 30 minutes trying to think of a clever wifi name for my neighbors to see?
I’m worried my new haircut makes me look like a serial killer, which could really cramp my ability to do as much serial killing.