@AndyAsAdjective

[reading dinosaur book]

8YR OLD: that’s a pterodactyl

ME: actually sweetie, it’s a pteranodon…pterodactyl is a pterosaur genus

8: how did you ever get laid?

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@mommy_cusses

Motherhood is when your child looks like a sparkling cherub and you look like a steaming pile of nope.

@LilyRoseLynn

My stalker twisted his ankle, so now I have to walk slower for 2-3 weeks.

@MichaelJErhart

“I’d like to raise a toast.”

*Cradles bread in arms, accepting this step into motherhood*

@DaddyJew

“Welcome to money management. Have you all paid your $200 entrance fee?”

“Yes”

“Excellent, never give money to strangers. Class dismissed”

@ThatBloke_Jesus

To all those telling me this account is a sin – Don’t worry about it, I plan on forgiving myself later

@ArielDumas

“There Will Be Blood” is my favorite movie that answers the question, “Will blood be there?”

@eff_yeah_steph

My mom found a Barbie Dreamhouse at a garage sale when I was a kid, but all the stickers were ripped off so I drew on appliances and wallpaper. Debbie, down the street, called it Barbie Crackhouse and now she wants to be my friend on Facebook? Ha!

@GensPlace

I lie in the bath for hours.
But I try to tell the truth the rest of the time.