[reading Harry Potter]
Me: Do you know what’s going on?
3-year-old: He went to lizard school.
I’d correct her, but her version is better.
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Me: *hits snooze on alarm
Life: *sets off smoke detector
“I wonder what’s on tv right now,” he thought 2002ishly.
hey (with the intention of telling Jude not to make it bad)
My spirit animal is an upturned turtle.
Plot twist: The Rock isn’t Kid Rock’s real dad.
No mister movie ticket guy that’s not a bag of cheetos in my jacket that’s my enlarged heart for the love of cinema
My wife just caught me naked FaceTiming someone so can one of you pretend to be a TeleMed urologist?
i have faced more peer pressure to drink oat milk than to do drugs
Losing my mind over the idea that pigeons existed before cities. Like can you imagine pigeons just hanging out in a forest? Eating bugs instead of gutter bagels? I personally just don’t buy it.
You know you’re hung over when people recognize you but they think you’re E.T.
[hugging mom at sister’s funeral]
“And you said I’d never be your favorite”
“NEVER MIND, WE GOT ONE.”
What do we want?
“A TIME MACHINE.”
When do we want it?
He said it’s canoodle night later, and I thought great, I love lasagna.
Are you there Santa?
It’s me, Midge
My husband tried to drop me off at my parents’ house when we were driving back from the airport after our honeymoon bc he had forgotten that we were, in fact, married and now lived in the same house.
“Hey Barack”
“yes Joe?”
“I bet T-Rex’s took terrible selfies”
“Ok Joe”
“Because they had…”
“Short arms Joe, yes. I get it. I get it buddy”
INTERVIEWER: If Harry Potter was real, what Hogwarts house would you be in?
ME: What do you mean “if” Harry Potter was real?
I swear I won’t be undressing you with my eyes again. That REALLY hurt!
Dear men,
Keep giving her little surprises to keep the romance alive in your relationship.
Buy flowers for her for no reason.
Bring her breakfast in bed.
Throw a snake at her face while she’s driving.
Hub said to go ahead and buy my own Valentine’s Day present.
Looks like he’s going to be very generous this year.
I hear you calling out to me. I miss you too! Soon baby, soon!
– me to my bed.
*A tree barges into a barber shop and starts kicking the hair piles* HOW DO YOU LIKE IT, HUH
Every time I walk in on my brother watching a Star War, there’s 10 characters I don’t recognize and I just walk away
Will I ever be a good parent?
*shakes baby*
Wait a minute, if you’re here
[cut to Magic 8-Ball in crib]
YO TWITTER PLEASE PLEASE HELP ME OUT. THIS IS MY DREAM AND WOULD BE BEYOND BLESSED IF YALL CAN HELP A DUDE OUT. RETWEET!!!
If I’m so smart, explain to me why I can start the washing machine then five minutes later wonder where that running water sound is coming from.
I’m tired of explaining myself. Someone else do it for me.
My parents are just back from Little Women. My mam absolutely loved it but my dad isn’t happy because there was a Waterford Crystal bowl in the background of a scene and Waterford Crystal wasn’t around back then and therefore, the movie is no good.
When people shorten words for no reason it makes me want to commit murds.