[reading Harry Potter]
Me: Do you know what’s going on?
3-year-old: He went to lizard school.
I’d correct her, but her version is better.
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[Casually but methodically making my way through a party until I secure a spot next to the snacks]
Quietly, as if into earpiece: “I’m in.”
A woman started choking in the line at Starbucks- it was so scary but thankfully someone opened another register.
Liquor Store Parking
Me with megaphone: “COME DOWN FROM THERE. YOU HAVE SO MUCH TO LIVE FOR.”
Man: “I’m fixing your roof tiles, remember?”
Me: “I FORGOT!”
Oh sure, E.T. can look for a snack in the fridge and end up drinking all the beer, but when I do it I suddenly “have a problem”, “get arrested” and am “banned from this supermarket”.
Put the spoiled milk back in the fridge and hope it gets better.
– What I think when I hear someone is getting back together with an ex.
Costco often changes the floor plan to keep the animals engaged as they search for their next meal.
♫ Hey there Delilah, for your word spell Mississippi
“May I have the definition?”
The state siblings can get frisky ♪
and cousins toooo ♫
I taught the baby to say “help” instead of just yelling and now she says help like a Southern belle with the vapors
I officially know too much trivia. My wife just told me cream of mushroom soup was introduced in 1934, and now I can’t remember her birthday
*Brings 8 year old back to hospital nursery with receipt*
This one doesn’t listen anymore…Can I get a new one?
Teen: Your brows are on fleek!
Me: (confused) Yeah well your FACE is on fleek.
Teen: Thanks!
Me: God damn it.
My son is teaching himself Christmas songs on the trumpet, proving things can be both beautiful and annoying.
her: cute dog, what’s his name?
me: this is indiana jones
her: oh cool from raiders of the lost ark!
me: no [picking up poop] he’s not been in any movies
My grandfather was so racist he had a white & white television set.
Blinded by the light is really just a song about turning the bathroom light on in the middle of the night.
Me: Got my finger stuck in this beer bottle.
Wife: How?!
M: Just help me.
W: Have you tried butter?
M: It’s delicious. Now will you help me?
My wife told me we had a Lent calendar.
So I asked her when we had to return it.
Plastic silverware: because the only thing I hate more than poisoning the environment is washing dishes.
When I’m feeling overwhelmed, I like to pretend I have Christmas movie problems like “Do I move back to the small town where my single Canadian handsome high school bf lives, and open a Chocolate shop?”
[concert]
Security Guard: Ma’am, do you have alcohol in your bag?
Me: I don’t think so. Here, hold this flask while I check.
I’m as full as a tick on a tampon
I don’t care what the FBI says, America’s most wanted still sounds like an honor.
I tried on and bought two pairs of jeans today without testing my phone in the back pocket. I don’t even know who I am anymore.
There should be an Amazon driver at the Mall during the holidays so adults can sit on their lap and tell them what they want
So my drug dealer just died. I’m thinking about going to his funeral to, you know, network.
I take my phone with me when I go down into the basement, so if I fall and can’t get up I’ll still be able to tweet.
When my son was in grade school the teacher asked the class what they should do if they think there is a fire and he shouted GO TURN THE STOVE OFF DINNER IS READY
‘We’ll give you something to complain about.’
~pharmaceutical ads
If whisky can damage your short term memory, just think what whisky can do.