[reading humpty dumpty]
with a straight face they really decided to drag the king’s horses like that
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Life before kids: Owns 1 pair of scissors and knows exactly where they are.
Life after kids: Owns 16 pairs of scissors and has a better chance of seeing God than finding them.
Anaesthetist: Count back from 10
Me: WHY IS THERE MATHS? NO ONE SAID THERE’D BE MATHS
grocery store clerk: did u find everything ok today
me, who couldn’t find the tortillas after 30 minutes of searching: yes
“hello pretty lady.” [i slide down the bar] “what’s your name?” i say as i casually toss a peanut in my eye.
Nailed it…🗑️🐇😅
Can we just save all our energy and use it on something useful like arguing about something that will never change?
How to be a Canadian:
1) Love hockey
2) Use good manners
3) Drink Tim Hortons
4) Live in a igloo
5) Hunt moose with stick
When Miley Cyrus is naked and licks a hammer it’s “art” and “music” , but when I do it I’m “wasted” and “have to leave the Hardware Store”
Tuba = Terrible Underwater Breathing Apparatus
Asked mom what she wanted for Christmas this year and she said “I don’t want any gifts, I just want to know my kids are happy” well that’s a pretty big ask, Christy. Can I just get you the vacuum and call it even
I was going through a stack of yearbooks yesterday when I saw I was voted “Most Likely to Steal all These Damn Yearbooks”.
Forget my browser history, when I finally pass from this earth, please delete my calculator history because it’s waaaay more embarrassing
*Sees a guy blow a snot rocket*
Watch this! Does a kegel. Bloody tampon goes flying
Acupuncture for weight loss huh? I’ve had little pricks before, and they never helped me work off any pounds.
I don’t need to go to Christian Mingle to find God’s match for me because I already know it’s pizza
Me: These eye makeup remover pads are amazing.
Mom: Those are medicated hemorrhoidal pads.
I was visiting my parents this past weekend and Y’ALL, I had no idea how intense birdwatching can get.
No pizza delivery in prison is the reason why I haven’t murdered anyone yet.
Legend has it if u whisper IKEA 3x in the mirror an extra screw will appear & you’ll be haunted by the piece of furniture you ill-assembled.
“you changed” bro i was 15
[sams club]
ME: {wearing ski mask} This is a robbery!
LADY AT FRONT DOOR: Do you have your membership card?
ME: Uhh, I left it at home.
LADY: I’m sorry sir I can’t let you in.
ME: Please! I’ll be quick.
Me: What are you doing?
Husband: You said you wanted to wake up early
Me: Not this early
H: You don’t even know what time it is yet
friend: you’re not taking this chess game seriously
me: [pushing tiny horse down into my chocolate pudding] ARTAAAAX!
I have this theory that McDonald’s hamburgers are actually made out of their employees. That’s why they’re always hiring.
We should just put the White House on airbnb for 3 million a weekend.
“Alas, I am surrounded. You must fight on, gentlemen, I fear that it is too late for me. Now come and get me you savages, we shall travel to Hell together!”
“Human sacrifice was a bloody and barbaric tradition – but could stopping it altogether be why the rains aren’t coming?” – bronze age opinion columnist
[family hears me pull in driveway]
wife: please don’t
wrestling announcer: sorry ma’am he already paid me. NOW ENTERING THE HOUSE FROM WORK
doctor: you have a brain disorder that causes you to give the most ridiculous responses to serious news
wife: [crying]
me: that’s a spicy meatball
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Can you hear my chips?