*reading instructions on how to escape killer bees
“Run away, get inside, and turn off lamps so they’re not attracted to the lights.”
This is my action plan for avoiding neighbors, so I’m ready for this.
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i call soup dumplings “soup dumps” which was cute until i texted my friend “i forgot to send you a pic of my dumps”
Server: Congratulations, ma’am
Wife: *confused* Er, thank you. Why?
S: Your husband said you’re eating for two
M: Oh she’s not pregnant
W: I despise you
Diet tip:
Your pants will not get too tight if you do not wear any.
[first day as a celebrity chef]
*Just a heartrending 40 minute montage of me struggling to get the potato masher out of the cutlery drawer*
My Grandma saw all of your tweets about stepping on Legos & asked if any of you cream puffs have ever heard of a game called Jacks?
you’re not really anticapitalist bro i remember that lemonade stand
[me holding a door]
PRETTY GIRL: [over her shoulder] thanks.
ME: sorry, i’m married, but in time you’ll get over me.
I am at the mall at 6:30 pm on a Monday in July. I have seen so many belly buttons
Why would my wife ask if I was wearing this shirt when it’s already on? Stop talking in secret code.
2yo: Mommy, you beautiful.
4yo: *snorts* Maybe if she brushed her hair.
Whenever my wiener dog misbehaves I glare at her threateningly while eating sausages
Blew my nose…….lost 2 pounds of mucous and got an ab workout.
*updates tinder bio*
Sex with me is like a ferris wheel: slower than you hoped, full of clunky stops and a carny watches to make sure you don’t get off.
grocer: [checking eggs] this one’s broken
king: how many horses do you have?
grocer: what
king: [panicking] how many men?
It’s gonna be interesting to see who the aliens enslave and who they let go free. I for one have always thought aliens to be wonderful and superior in every way.
Shhhhh! I can’t hear about how God spoke to you! I’m busy listening to my toaster tell me about his day.
WHAT DO WE WANT?
RACE CAR NOISES!!!
WHEN DO WE WANT THEM??
NEEEEEEOOOOOOOOOOWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW
When I saw her eating a whole chicken like it was corn on the cob, I knew she was the one for me.
Keeping an extra close eye on 7 since she said that The Grinch is good at everything after she watched him spin his head around
[end of a job interview]
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: If you could become half robot, would you do it?
Him:
Me:
Him: Which half?
‘Drinking water successfully’ is out
‘Drinking water and letting it fall out the side of your mouth somehow and then down your chin and also to your shirt and oh god you’re sitting and the pants got hit too’ is in
Bartender: I’m cutting you off. only water from now on
Jesus: [sarcastically] oh no
“Stomach…Lungs…Kidneys….Heart.” –
Me, at my organ recital.(Not even slightly sorry)
Apparently the safe word has changed to…
NOT THERE IDIOT!!! Followed by a swift elbow to the eye….
careful fellas!
when you text a girl, you also text like 7 of her other friends.
I’m proud of my age even if my birth certificate was carved in stone.
Video games really overstate the likelihood that your health will improve if you consume an item you find in a public bathroom.