Reading is a gateway drug to being less stupid.
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honestly it’s up to you whether or not you refer to it as the Last Supper or the First Murder Mystery Dinner
Gatsby: *pouring wine* After all, they DO call me the Grape Gatsby
Daisy Buchanan: Wow they really call you the Great Gatsby?
Gatsby: … Yup
[What I think he saw]
Me, seductively sucking and licking my index finger in a flirtatious way.
[What he actually saw]
Me, gagging and drooling while fishing a popcorn kernel off the back of my throat.
Didn’t think my children listened at all but my 3yo shouted from the back seat, “these people don’t know how to drive!” so now I know he listens to his Dad.
Whoa 😂
When someone under 130 lbs calls themselves fat we should legally be allowed to eat them
14: hey dad- do you know what 9x9x9x9 is?
Me: I’m 40. I don’t need to know that anymore.
If I ever visit Japan, the first thing I’ll do is run through those paper walls pretending I’m the Kool-Aid man.
good work, detective
I’m going to normalize a new trend.
Unsolicited *CROC* pics
[first stakeout]
Cop: you seem disappointed
Me: *hiding my A1 sauce* no, it’s fine
remember you can close your eyes and imagine a mouse holding a cocktail umbrella walking across a spaghetti noodle tight rope any time you want. no one can stop you
Me: so they don’t punish you at school?
Kid: they make us sit in a thinking chair
Me: does that work?
Kid: I already planned my next move while thinking in the chair
me, last week when it was dark in evenings: what is the point of anything
me a week later now there is light: I am so happy to be alive so I can eat fresh mango
The problem with teaching a man to fish is that eventually somebody will microwave that fish in the work break room.
15yo: Mom, now that you have to do your own nails, maybe you shouldn’t do them at night…
ME: I didn’t!
15yo: when it’s dark …
ME: It was morning!
15yo: and cloudy…
ME: It was sunny!
15yo: when you’re tired…
ME: I just woke up!
15yo: while drinking…
ME: … fair.
It may look like I’m a sloppy eater but really I’m just teaching my dog about trickle-down economics…
cat: psst it’s 5am time to feed me
me: no go away
cat: okay *proceeds to step directly on my bladder* oops my bad
Three men are on a boat
They have four cigarettes but nothing to light them with.
So?
So they throw one cigarette overboard and the boat becomes a cigarette lighter.
[about to invent toaster]
i want a jump scare before eating burnt bread
Apparently, starting an impromptu game of leap frog with somebody bending over to tie their shoe is considered rude.
Church is boring.
Me, surprised: Why are you in a hurry to get to school?
7yo, matter-of-fact: My enemies are waiting
*holds seashell to ear*
“We’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty”
Caller: Emergency Sevices? I’m on fire.
Me: That’s great, keep up the good work.
Before we have sex, please select every image that contains a bicycle.
APPLE GENIUS: [looks around nervously] if I had a criticism of this phone it would be that-
{trapdoor}
NEW APPLE GENIUS: that it’s perfect.
Me: You’re going to disagree with this statement.
Wife: No I’m not.
society: let’s give mothers their very own day
me: what about sharks?
society: we’ll give them a whole week
If you watch 2016 backwards, it’s a heartwarming story of how celebrities can come back to life just by trending on the Internet.
If you’re gonna invite me to an early-morning zoom meeting then get ready to watch and hear me eat a biscuit with all the ferocity of a raccoon in a dumpster