[reading my journal] me: damn what a psycho
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Hey morons, when in doubt, just spell it “theiyr’re.”
[2005, youtube’s first pitch meeting]
ok so basicaly its like if america’s funniest home videos was on 24 hrs a day on evrey computer–
SOLD
The only issue with being single is when you fall asleep on the couch after dinner and are wide awake at midnight and you can’t make it someone else’s problem
[whispering to coworker who liked my status about having to put my dog down but never commented] so you like dead dogs do ya meghan?
Boss: It’s a little strange that you’re only sick on Fridays…
Me: I have a weekend immune system.
me: how can Americans be so arrogant?
also me: *is mad when United States is listed alphabetically instead of at the top of a list*
[getting pulled over]
me: *chewing pizza* what’s the problem officer?
cop: it isn’t safe to eat and drive
me: oh I’m sorry
cop: I’ll let you off with a warning
me: thank you so mu- *pineapple chunks fall out of my mouth*
cop: *hand on gun* STEP OUT OF THE VEHICLE
What idiot called it proposing and not kneel diamond
Ugh having a body is so uncomfortable
My daughter just asked for nunchucks for her 12th birthday. Have to say, I’m 50% proud, 30% amused and 100% terrified.
what strings did peacocks pull to be allowed to just vibe around the zoo?
I’m always a little suspicious of women who say that they don’t “remember things”
ME: I was born a tree…
ALSO ME: …but I’ll dialog.
Handing the bus driver a $50 bill and telling him “Just drive”.
For fun, DM “can I be honest with you…” and then walk away for 2 hours.
Creams that smell like fruit play with your brain.
Tempted to eat my own leg.
Smells like mango, but would probably taste like rare steak.
Her: *Looking at furniture we can’t afford*
Me: You know you can’t have that, why do you tease yourself?[A few hours later]
Me: *Watching sportsball on TV*
Me: *Perks up at cheerleader*
Her: *Just raises one eyebrow*
Cashier holds up a bottle of herbal spray for hot flashes “you sure you want this it’s twelve dollars” YES I WANT IT AND I DON’T WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT
*speed dating bell rings
Me: Why are you breaking up with me?
*rolls grocery cart into open house*
Ooh what a lovely lamp!
*puts it in cart*An iPad!
*crosses iPad off shopping list*
*puts it in cart*
Sometimes my sarcasm doesn’t deliver well and people miss the message. Anyway that’s why I’m stabbing you.
I’ve had to walk past this monstrosity every day for the last few weeks and it’s really taking a toll.
Please stop talking about the weather. I recorded this season of The Weather Channel but I haven’t watched it yet.
Want to send a 4-year-old boy into a blind rage? Repeatedly tell him he’s wrong and you are positive their names are “Batman and Robert”.
If you missed any of the most recent presidential debate, you can catch one side of it on any given Facebook friend’s page.
When someone rings the doorbell I say to my kids, “I think it’s Santa Claus!” so I don’t have to get up.
I can’t really explain it, but the second half of the alphabet is more exciting than the first.
THE GUY WHO INVENTED FIREWORKS: i’m gonna kill god.
Mhm.
They say I’m too much of a competitive mom but I think kids need encouragement
I SAID SWEEP THE LEG, LILY!-Ma’am, this is just a bake sale