*reading news story about how great some guy is* wow this guy sounds great *reading further* oh no, he’s a bomber and he’s dead
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Wife: Honey, I’m upstairs!
*undresses on the run like Superman*
Be right up!
*stands naked in doorway*
Wife: Do you remember…
Pam: Hi
Oh, I just remembered. You’re boring…. and my legs work!
I haven’t worn a bra since the pandemic started
Literally everyone who’s crossed my path in the last 20 months “we KNOW.”
I’m a leader, not a follower… Unless it’s into a dark place, then screw that, you’re going first.
families in horror movies buying houses: hey let’s get the haunted af one
Lionel Ritchie being British :
🎵 Hello!
Is it tea you’re looking for? 🎵
date: what do you do?
me: i’m a filmmaker.
date: oh what’s that like?
me: [shrugs] i inhale a lot of plastic fumes.
man: you buried my grandmother in the wrong plot
me: I guess you could say I made a [turns to camera] grave mistake
I need to stay vigilant while venturing into the ocean this week.
Sharks be looking at me like “I can get three meals out of him.”
if I were in a comic book I would never wear clothes, I would just constantly scream a huge speech bubble over my body
I’m no super genius, but I bet the most effective way to lose “baby weight” is to have the baby.
angel: “greetings. do not be afraid. you will conceive and bring forth a son”
me: “thank you so much for reaching out! is this a paid opportunity?”
How many apples a day does it take to keep everybody else away
ME: This house is haunted
WIFE [sigh] We’ve been thru this, that’s our son
SON: I just have a pale complexion Dad
ME: TELL ME YOU HEARD THAT
My mom had a “sex talk” with me when I was 14 or 15. It was before my piano lesson and she said, “NEVER TRUST BOYS. THEY ONLY WANT ONE THING” then walked away without ever saying what it was.
So every time a classmate asked to look at my notes, I slapped the shit out of him.
Gf: “You want to know what your problem is?”
Me: *looks at watch* “Ok, but our dinner reservation is in six hours”
Reality show idea: an aggressive, Gordon Ramsay-esque plant expert goes to the homes of black thumbed individuals & insults them & flips over pots of soil & comes back 3 months later to see if they have made any plant progress.
There’s an old man sittin’ next to me
Makin’ love to his napkin and knife
And he’s talkin’ with Davy who’s covered in gravy
And probably will be for lifeSo anyway that’s why you failed your health inspection. You can read the rest in the report.
Walmart is fun because all the workers know nothing except for the one who knows everything and your job is to figure out which one that magic worker is
When I wished for simpler times, I didn’t mean people’s IQs
Dear whoever chalks my final outline… A little off the belly would be much appreciated.
[Inventing limes]
God: we need a fruit that is useless without alcohol
A pronoun referring to a specific thing previously mentioned, known, or understood.
That.
Cop: Is that a turtle?
Me: …
Cop: Painted blue?
Me: …
Cop: With nails glued on?
Me: …
Cop: Mario Kart’s not real
Me: YOURE NOT REAL
It’s subtle, but if a snail has the zoomies, listen close for a soft little wheeeeeeee!
Kids, make sure you learn how to use a protractor in case one day you’re a teacher & have to show kids how to use a protractor.
May you have the confidence and independence of my 5yo, who sneezes and says, “Bless you, me!”
Willy Wonka ran the original Squid Game.
These people at the theater are looking at me like they’ve never seen a grown woman hugging a stuffed animal at a scary clown movie before
[spelling bee]
judge: your word is “redacted”
me: ████████
judge: [looking around nervously] that’s correct