[reading of my fathers will]
Lawyer: and I bequeath to my son $100k as-
Me: heh, bequeath
Lawyer: long as that immature vomit fondler doesn’t laugh at the word ‘bequeath’
Me: he didn’t even have $100k, did he?
Lawyer: no, he just knew
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me, age 7: I want to be an adult so I can eat as many pickles as I want
me, age 30, eating pickles: haha hell yeah
The only excuse for the kinds of storms that have been coming is that someone somewhere is losing a game of Jumanji…
Everyone should release their taxes because I cannot read them understand them anyhow
[Saturday morning, 5:53 am]
[a tap on my shoulder wakes me]
8YR OLD: dad, I’m bored
Mom I’m running away! No I don’t need a jacket! Mom no I’m fine I don’t need a jac- mom! No I don’t need you to pick me up later mom! MOM!
JUDGE: so u plan to plead insanity?
ME: let me double-check with my counsel
*A googly-eyed sock puppet whispers in my ear*
ME: yes ur honor
Autocorrect changed “decaffeinated” to “defecated”, and despite what my wife may claim, I’m pretty sure she knew what I wanted a cup of.
[forgetting the name for leaf blowers] Do you have any wind bazookas?
“Axe” is not going to help you get girls, unless you spray it in their eyes then quickly chloroform them.
I met my wife on Tinder. She was furious.
My eldest is at the age where she’s starting to ask questions. Tonight she started asking about Father Christmas. My wife calmly took her to another room to answer, leaving me with her younger siblings. We couldn’t hear so I still don’t know what’s up. Hope Santa is OK
sometimes, late at night, i’ll look up at the stars and wonder if you’re also stealing lawn furniture.
If Scooby-Doo taught me anything, it’s that if you want to kill someone, do it in a retirement community, where pets aren’t allowed.
When I was a kid I slept with a nightlight…
to keep away monsters who were scared of small, low wattage light bulbs.
[Spelling bee]
Moderator: your word is *looks at card and sees Worcestershire* uh-
Contestant:
Moderator: *sweating*
Contestant:
Moderator: forklift
Me: asks my oldest son to do anything at all
Him: plays dead
June 1885 – The Statue Of Liberty arrives in the U.S. in 350 pieces with no instructions.
Future IKEA magnate: “That gives me an idea.”
I often wonder who Pete is…
and why we do things for his sake…
[Office Supply Store]
Me: *getting toner*
Clerk: Sir, please stop those jumping jacks.
My 8yr just said we go together like biscuits and cream cheese. And I can’t tell if that’s a compliment or contradiction
My boyfriend asked me why I bother watching cooking shows when I cant cook so I asked why he bothered watching porn.
Just so you know – you’re not the first one to make the sign of the cross when watching me eat
Saw a pregnant woman smoking today.
You can guess what I yelled at her.
Apparently she wasn’t pregnant after all.
You can guess what she yelled at me.
“Adult assembly required” bro, how tf do you build an adult?
ME: I hate him with 1/16th of the fibers of my being
GUY: Not every fiber?
ME: I hate alot of people. I’m not wasting all my fibers on 1 guy
cool hat i found in the hospital bathroom for a cowboy like myself
If video games really made people violent, I would be jumping on every turtle I saw.
Johnny: Frankie said we gotta unload all these pocket watches tonight and I dunno if we can do it.
Fat Sam: [opening door to hypnotist’s convention] Don’t worry about it. I got an idea.
Me: If we weren’t related, I’d totally sleep with you. Hot girl: But we aren’t related. Me: Oh good, so you feel the same way too
when your neighbor cuts his grass and suddenly your place looks like a good place to score meth