[reading of my will]
My son: his shoes!?
Lawyer: he instructs me to say you are his sole heir I’m so sorry
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my 10 yr plan is to wait till I’m 9 yrs 11 mos in & then absolutely slay
me: i’d love to go out with u but i am 198,000 bells in debt
bf: ur what
me: that raccoon drives a hard bargain ok
bf: the what
me: nook. he built me a house and pretty much all the residents rely on me and—
bf: wh—
me: —basically what i’m saying is i’m busy
It’ll never work, we have very different definitions of words like talented, celebrity, amazing and intelligent.
tattoos should make you more employable because they show you can sit in place for hours while tiny needles are jammed into your skin and that’s what every corporate meeting I’ve ever been in has felt like
“Your colon will thank you”
Me: I don’t like it when my colon talks to me
Black rotten roses & run over kittens
Teeth falling out & a test is unwritten
Naked in public becoming a meme
Theseareafewofmyterribledreams
If Donald Trump becomes President,
The rest of us should be able to just walk into any hospital & start working as doctors
Sorry, I’m using all 43 grocery carts. Use a basket.
“Hi I’m an evil ghost with the ability to defy time & space, but I think the best example of my powers will be to slightly close this door.”
By age 30, most men have found that one special hairstyle they want to spend the rest of their life with.
I thought a man was in my house.
Turns out the air freshener had just squirted before I walked in.
boss: this company is more profitable than ever
me: how about a raise?
boss: sorry i have to take this call
me: your phone isn’t ringing
boss: [fakes heart attack]
Happy Earth Day. You don’t look a day over 4,400,000,000 and get hotter every year.
My kid asked how the Easter bunny gets inside the house and I’m very uncomfortable with the amount of lying this parenting gig requires.
ME: I’m just gonna take a quick nap.
KIDS: Check out the new cirque du soleil show we invented.
*living room is on fire*
when someone tries to make you take a photo facing the sun bc it’s good lighting
How do you call a meerkat?
C’meerkat.
ME: [on my deathbed] this is pretty nice
MATTRESS STORE SALESMAN: sir, you can’t die here
Turned on some old school rap because I’m the cool dad.
Then I turned it right off because OMG did you know what they were saying?
I told my son if he wants to have company over he needs to clean the house. Either way, big W for me.
Not to brag but I just filled up the gas tank and doubled the value of my car
I used to have a friend named CLINT then one time I wrote the letters of his name too close together on his birthday card
All Amazon reviews are like
⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️: best product ever!
⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️: so amazing must buy
⭐️: DONT TRUST THE REVIEWS!! THIS PRODUCT KILLED MY FAMILY
*lets out a blood curdling scream* HELP MY BLOOD IS CURDLING
Ha, my 6-year-old thought bridesmaids stood at the altar so the groom could choose which one to marry… actually, let’s not dismiss this idea
cleaned my whole house today and it turns out i’m disgusting.
Genie: You have 3 wishes—
Me: I wish for you to not know numbers!
*45 minutes later*
Genie: Is….is this 3 yet?
Me (Emperor of space & time, with far too many possessions, moneys, lovers & other sexy attributes to ever list in any lifetime): gettin’ there, man.
Woke up feeling not too shabby for a 55-year-old. The only problem is I’m still in my 40s.
[hits you in the face with newspaper]
“Sorry, I thought your eyebrows were caterpillars.”