[reading of my will]

My son: his shoes!?

Lawyer: he instructs me to say you are his sole heir I’m so sorry

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Sure, we’ve all been through hard times, but even when I waitressed part time during college and ate ramen noodles every night for dinner I still saved my money for important things like Charmin double ply mega rolls.


My 4yo brought his Woody doll to the store and was swinging it around. I told him loudly to stop hitting people with his Woody. Parenting.


The only problem with teaching little kids to share is that sometimes they want some of my stuff


[several months ago]

BEYONCÉ: Kim Kardashian might be having a 3RD baby

JAY-Z: How many we got


JAY-Z: Not a problem


I’m not saying I’ve been doing a lot of online shopping, but now every time our dogs bark, all three kids yell “mom, your Amazon is here.”


Apparently it’s 7 years today since I discovered that adding googly eyes to the tap on a wine box makes it look like Shaun the Sheep.


ME: I had salmon for lunch

WIFE: the L is silent, idiot

ME: haha I knew that, I meant unch


My prescription isn’t ready, so three toddlers at this pharmacy just learned the F word.


ME AT HOME: I’ll eat a whole pizza & a tub of ice cream for dinner

ME ON A DATE: *just chewing on tree bark* this is all I need to survive


My son LOVES dogs and is TERRIFIED of them. Which is EXACTLY how I feel about my WIFE.