reading rob zombie’s name is a real wild ride. at first you’re like “rob? ok, i know what we’re dealing with here”. then things get weird
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“I’d like to purchase some deodorant please.”
“The ball kind?”
“No, for under my arms.”
Sorry kids, no visiting the chocolate factory till you finish your tour of the slaughterhouse
Who is feeling this?
#HorrorFam #LordOfTheRings
I see your account went private, good luck on the job hunt
6am: makes coffee
6:20am: grabs cup
6:21am: plugs in coffee maker
I really don’t like the person I become when a password expires
Is it “butt” naked or “buck” naked? Either way, this dentist appointment is making me very uncomfortable.
If you’re using public transport never give up your seat to an old lady…
That’s how I lost my job as a bus driver.
I exercise by running up the street knocking on all the doors.
Jehovah’s fitness.
my doctor just told me I’ll never be able to play the xylophone ever again in his office
The Purge: Valentine’s Day
It must be almost impossible for chalk-outline guys not to turn victims’ hands into turkeys this time of year.
I was kinda flattered when the police sketch artist made me better looking.
I don’t know anything about soccer, but I hope they win.
Go Soccers!
I find that honking the horn is an effective way to tell another driver, “You’re not going to believe this but you are driving a car right now”
[Watching the World Cup]
GUY *nods at the screen* Who’s your favourite player?
ME: uh…that round-headed guy is good, what’s his name again?
GUY:
ME:
GUY: That’s the ball
ME: Ok
The Carpenters did not have nearly enough songs about hammers or sawdust
Take a stand against childhood obesity by chasing little fat kids down the street.
[Writing Batman theme]
WRITER: So it starts by saying “Batman.”
PRODUCER: Well that makes sense, just once?
WRITER: 23 times.
PRODUCER:
WRITER: Then you just make noise for awhile.
PRODUCER:
WRITER
PRODUCER:
WRITER: Then you say Batman again.
Toys ‘R Us pulled Breaking Bad figures because the characters sold drugs, but continue to sell Darth Vader ones, and he blew up a planet.
The only reason I’d want to go to heaven is to speak to the manager.
So who WERE Huey, Dewey and Louie’s parents, anyway? And why did they let them spend so much time with their insane, pantsless uncle?
@PawAndPups @SussexDetective Lol reminds me of this 👇🏾
Condensed milk is from dwarf cows
me: here’s an idea. a dishwasher that ‘beeps’ when it’s finished
CEO: yeah. like, twenty times
me: lmao two or three times is more than enou-
CEO: TWENTY TIMES
me: but-
CEO: T̶̨̮̲̱̎͐̾͒͑W̴̨̺̭͛͗͆̀E̸̦̾̇͗͝Ṅ̴̦̪̿̇T̸̩̫̐̾͒Y̷̨͇̯̞̌́́͌ ̵̧̜͚͛̕͘T̶̛̞͑̒͑̅Ḯ̵͚̆̕M̵̫̠͉̀Ë̸͔̝̬́̌̈͘S̶̝̘̓̽͒̒͑-
WFH: Work From Home
my brain: WaFfle House
I handed her the flowers. “You shouldn’t of!” she said. I took them back. “Have,” I whispered
My Kid: Are dinosaurs real?
Me: yes but they died
Kid: why did you kill them?
M: I didn’t!
Kid: did you forget to water them like our plants
Geez, you have 3 birthdays in a month & suddenly the restaurant gets all, “We need to see ID before you get a free birthday dessert, Ma’am”.
cats are the best because you can pet one while you’re talking to someone and look totally evil