[reading the bible but getting impressed by the wrong parts] woah this guy had 12 friends in his 30’s
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If you’d like to be left alone just carry a doll everywhere you go.
[Dracula bites a pig]
Me: ohhhhh, hampire
Maybe she’s born with zits, maybe it’s methamphetamine
People who go to the store and buy the single roll of toilet paper must not have an optimistic view of their life expectancy.
when it’s time for me to follow thru with plans I agreed to
[On a date]
Him: I love a woman with a sense of humor, I’m a sucker for a good pun.
Me: omg same. lol Jeremy if you were sliced up into little pieces and soaked in coffee liqueur and then layered between ladyfingers you’d be a jeramisu.
Him:
Me:
Him:
Me: jeramisu
Being single is starting wear on me. I’ve stopped shaving one leg so that when I go to bed it feels like I’m sleeping next to a man.
Tilda Swinton is the last person on Earth, having solely survived the apocalypse. A tumbleweed rolls by. She picks it up and eats it. ‘Delicious,’ she says, as she gets down on all fours then gallops into the night.
[Starts jogging]
Body: No.
2005: We want cell phones to be so tiny
2015: We want cell phones the size of the big rib from the Flintstones intro that tips the car over
Her: I’m going to start cooking without butter.
Me: This isn’t going to work out.
I just heard “Hell’s bells on coconut shells” and I now have a new favorite answer to everything.
‘Pampers’ is a good product name because it implies being able to poop in your disposable underwear is a great luxury
Then they came for the bins, and I did not speak out, because I was not a bin man, and they were, and that was their job.
Can’t. Being lazy.
Was your teacher drunk when he made your multiple choice test?
1) Yes
Δ) No
%) I love you guys
M) 8
•) Potato
If the new Joker musical doesn’t have Lady Gaga singing “Joker Face” what’s the point??
Met someone who was born in 2001 and they had the nerve to lie and say that they’re not 2 years old.
Just a reminder that Jingle Bells makes it sound like some grand adventure but a one-horse open sleigh is literally the cheapest sleigh you can get.
“I’m in the middle of an Adam Sandler movie” isn’t a good excuse to get out of anything.
I know this now.
I read that playing mind games will keep your brain sharp. I’ll start tonight by acting like I’m not mad when I really am mad.
Why are the states most in need of abortion so against it?
Thanks for pointing out that I misspelled a word that I completely made up.
I stand incorrected.
Thinking about this 37 year old baby from a flight safety brochure
If I storm out of a room, there’s a 50% chance I’ll trip over something on my way out.
No one makes fun of your unibrow if you’re a cyclops.
I don’t want your undivided attention. I want your multiplied attention. Make clones of yourself and give me all of their attention too.
Anakin: Want to go out?
Padmé: Ew. You’re 9.
Anakin:
Padmé: Talk to me in a decade when the age gap between us is exactly the same.
[first date]
HER: So, do you have a 5 year plan?
ME: Yes. Well, the beginnings of one.
HER: How far have you gotten?
ME: I’ve decided what I want for dinner.