[Reading to 6 about sea turtles this AM before school]
Me: “A nest of sea turtle eggs that is in colder temperatures will hatch all male. A nest in warmer temperatures will hatch all females.” Hmm, cool. Didn’t know that.
6: *thinking* Sooo…Mommy was hot when she had me?
Me:
You Might Also Like
My ex texted me today to tell me he has not one, but two dates this week. Anyone else have useless information I don’t care about to confess?
I’ve been teaching my daughter to sneak candy into the theater, like any good parent would, but when she pulled a pack of deli ham out of her bag I realized I’ve created a monster
I just want to know enough sign language to convince people to stop talking to me
establish dominance over your significant other by addressing birthday and valentine’s day cards as ‘to whom it may concern’
ufo crew: why are we hovering?
ufo captain: i wanna pet those dogs
ufo crew: why not land?
ufo cap: those talking monkeys are annoying af
My mom’s favorite part of Mother’s Day is describing my birth in detail to an 18 year old waitress who is just there to get our drink order.
Friend: Call me when you wake up
[3 days later]
Me: Okay I’m up!
*maintains eye contact while slowly eating an unpealed pineapple*
Here in the South, we don’t consider a cookout successful unless there’s an ambulance involved.
John Hammond: We’ve got miles of electrified fence to keep the dinosaurs in and the guests safe
Me: Awesome so there’s no chance one disgruntled employee could disable them all with minimal effort right?
John Hammond: Haha what
Thanks for always acting surprised by breakfast in bed like you slept right through the great pots and pans avalanche of 6:45 AM.
Yes I’ve gained weight. Too many people wanted to have sex with me. It was annoying.
Her: oh my god i’m so wet
Me: have you tried putting it in rice?
Nights in white satin, but it’s me falling off the bed again
Is 5 years too long of a time to reconnect with an old friend to let them know you got home okay?
It’s not procrastination if I never had any intention of doing it in the first place.
8-year-old me: [scrunches face to make it all warped and wrinkly]
Mom: Stop, or your face will stay like that.
[many decades later]
Me: Oh no.
ME: [inflating second “E” balloon]
WIFE: Are you sure you know how to spell happy birthday?
Lowe’s banned me for yelling “From the windows! To the walls! To the sweat drop down my balls!”, as I explained how much carpet I needed.
For the last time, I don’t have any secret prison camps.
Anyone who doesn’t believe me will be sent to a secret prison camp.
If you wear a falconry glove to the park and frantically look around the sky everyone with a small dog will leave.
Most people think that T Rexes can’t clap because they have short arms, but really it’s because they’re dead…
Me, at concert: [ironically] Freebird!
Band: *plays Freebird*
Me: Well that backfired.
Settle down, guy who brought a hammock to a public park. You’re working awfully hard to show us how relaxed you are.
In bed a woman called me daddy so I called her son
H. P. Lovecraft implies the existence of H. P. Livecraft and H. P. Laughcraft
Husband: Give me one example.
Me: ALL the times.
Husband: Those don’t count.
I’m concerned that the Mars Perseverance rover is stealing jobs from space cowboys
[alternate world with no bees]
SCIENTIST: all the flowers are dying
ME: *takes a ite of a uritto* wow that’s a ummer