<reads 15 positive reviews of a product> I’m totally getting this.
<then reads 1 negative review> Forget it, it’s obvious crap.
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[a door mysteriously slams shut]
me: *spooked* what was that
the ghost haunting my home: just me still haunting lol
me: thank goodness I thought I left a window open
I like to keep a glass of water on my nightstand just in case I wake up in the middle of the night and I want to spill something.
Me: I am a man of substance.
Motion-activated faucet: No.
me: my dog won’t stop laughing at me
vet: this is a hyena
*looks at the customer behind me in the checkout line*
“Wanna hold hands while we wait?”
[on a date at butterfly conservatory] they serve the best wings here
If you ask me to give you a ride anywhere on less than 2 hours notice, you’re gonna be sitting in a pile of empty soda bottles and chip bags.
I have a riddle about lice but it’s a real head scratcher
My son is begging for a pet dog as if he doesn’t remember what happened with our chia pet. Or the second chia pet. Or the third…
I guess a good thing that would happen to me if the zombie apocalypse ever occurred is that I’d finally start running
My tallest finger wants to give you a standing ovation.
Bravo!
meanwhile underwater, fish scientists continue to be baffled by rain. “it’s like the sky is pretending to be the ocean because birds are jealous of us,” said one bluefin tuna wearing a lab coat
“I trust my boyfriend, I would never go thru his phone”
-girls who can’t figure out boyfriend’s passwords
Products that are really small are like free samples, right?
me at 18: im gonna move to new york and go on so many dates
me at 26: if i put my phone in a ziploc bag i can go on twitter in the shower
[Lois & Superman’s first date]
Superman: You look beautiful, Loren.
Lois: What? Who’s Loren?!
*Superman flies around the earth and reverses time*
Superman: You look beautiful, Lois.
DM from account I don’t follow: “Hi”
Click on account
Follows – 7
Followers – 0
Tweets – 0
Retweets – 0
AVI – Pretty girlMe: Okay, I can work with this.
Just found out the last message the Mars Rover sent was, “my battery is low and it is getting dark,” and I will be using the same message for anyone who texts me to hang out after 630pm
Thank God all of Texas can un-pucker again while they sleep.
The dinner I made tonight wasn’t great. Luckily it only took 2 hours to make, cost $83 in ingredients, and needed multiple pots and pans.
I keep getting questions about whether or not I’m actually running for president. The answer is yes. And on top of that, I’m holding a knife, so I’m running even faster than all the other candidates.
Women! Can’t live with ’em, can’t sell ’em or Liam Neeson will find you and kill you.
The difference between your husband and your Netflix account is, over time, your Netflix account learns what you like.
Me at 22: you can find me in da club 🎶
Me at 42: you can find me in da tub 🛁
They called me hysterical, and I laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed
speed dating but it’s just me changing tables at a restaurant every few minutes trying a bite of everyone’s food
Good morning, here are some ABBA songs that could also be about Mario:
• Mamma Mia
• Money, Money, Money
• Super Trooper
• Name of the Game
• I’ve Been Waiting For You
• The Winner Takes It AllPlease let me know if there are any more.
Not to be dramatic, but learning how to read has ruined my life