*Reads about a Salmonella outbreak on lettuce
-NEVER eats Salad again!
*Reads about the dangers of Alcohol poisoning
-NEVER reads again!
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People should come with disclaimers like:
May cause drowsiness or
Will end up sleeping w/your bf or
May induce homicidal ideations
Hey cell phone companies, I can’t think of a more terrifying selling point than “Unlimited Talk.”
“Kids are disgusting”, I say as I blow my nose in a hanky that hasn’t been washed in 42 years.
Me: You really brighten up the room!
Date: Aww, thanks!
Me: *staring directly at the sun* Who said that
My life won’t stop downloading updates without my permission.
Airlines. Graciously giving you the choice to have feet, or a personal item, but not both.
Why did they call them army chefs and not the mealitary?
In a parallel universe, a zebra is walking around her contemporary decorated house, on top of a skinned blonde chick with big hoops rug.
if you watch the titanic backwards hundreds of disgusting sea zombies come together as a community and rebuild an old ship
Garbage disposals are great for redesigning silverware.
Take 1/5th the $ car insurance companies spend on advertising, apply it to health care, and everyone can have golden organs and never die.
I got drunk with my dad once and I asked him if his boner curved to the left too, he replied “No, you got that from your mother”. 🙁
can’t catch a break
If homosexuals come out of the closet, do necrophiliacs come out of the casket?
Hey lady I’m no dummy…those are letters not numbers.
-first day of algebra class
I’ve started leaving chocolates on my daughter’s pillow so she’ll feel like she’s living in a hotel and eventually check out
☠️☠️☠️
For years I thought I was depressed. Then I got divorced. Turns out it was marriage, not depression.
I’m at this weird place in my life right now where I’m being chased by police helicopters
me, last week when it was dark in evenings: what is the point of anything
me a week later now there is light: I am so happy to be alive so I can eat fresh mango
I am your dream girl if your dream girl suddenly dissapears into plumes of feathers and occasionally seeks vengeance against a betraying human by turning them into an oak tree. Also may or may not steal entire baguettes off window sills.
1) Worms have no bones.
2) Gummi worms are made of gelatin.
3) Gelatin is often made of bones.
4) Gummi worms have more bones than real worms.
If you are petting a small dog in your lap, it is important to let everyone else in the zoom meeting know what you are doing with your hand.
ME: how old are you?
EGG AND CHEESE SANDWICH UNDER A GAS STATION HEAT LAMP AT 8 PM: im breakfast
ME: and how long have you been breakfast?
According to customer service I can not bring sexy back…
Without the receipt, apparently.
When someone you don’t like is eating them, chips sound like 1000 asteroids smashing into the polar ice caps.
Password insecurity questions:
1. What was your highschool nickname? 2. How would you describe your breath? 3. What’s wrong with your toes?
Him: I love you so much I want to shout it from the mountaintop
Me: *knows about mountains* Literally no one will hear you up there